Volume 29: The Missing Volume
The Further Saga of Alemany ’66:
As Revealed by The Shadow
with minor assistance from
F.J. Bonaccorso
Edited by R. M. Johnson
Photoshop by R. M. Johnson
Free legal advice from R. M. Johnson
Special Dedication: To all those that donated to our Strides for Life Campaign
Way to go, Alemany Class of 1966
Special Guest Contribution:
An Alemany ’66 Teacher with Nom de Plume,
CaligulaSubtitle: “I was working in the Lab late one night……”
Second Subtitle: The substitute teacher from the Vatican
Editor’s Note: The following molding and damp manuscript fragments were found in a sea chest with the initials L. C. carved on the lip of the chest. The chest was in 90 feet of water inside a sea grotto off the coast of Kalapana, Hawaii. The Shadow Press has pieced together manuscript fragments with page headings “Volume 29” to the best of our ability. Meanwhile, Lamont Cranston still is cruising the Indian Ocean in the sloop, SS Pteropus. We at The Shadow Press felt an obligation to bring you this information and continue to work diligently to decipher addition notes in the sea chest which were written by Lamont Cranston as The Shadow.
Rinaldi Street, Mission Hills
Recently a bulldozer cleaning up debris on the original Alemany campus uncovered a sealed metal tube in a pile of pterodactyl pellets. Upon opening the tube, they discovered an aged manuscript, signed “Caligula”. The text of the manuscript follows.
DATE: Early Fall—1964—
LOCATION: Biology Lab
TIME: 10:05PM
Mr. Frank Diaz: “Well, Sister, I think we can proceed with our experiment. Everything seems to be in order.”
Sister William Joseph: “ This overnight reaction should produce excellent data on untried acid-base behavior”.
Sister Anne Elizabeth: “The only thing that concerns me is the effect it might have on the microscopic pletoid population in the reaction vessel.”
Mr. Diaz: “ Not to worry! Mr. Al Hogan and Mr. Andrew Eischeid will be sleeping down the hall in the janitor’s room with the bed and bath. They’ll be taking turns keeping an eye on things!”
Sr. W.J. : “- OK. Pouring in 10 ml of stultitic acid. Now we add 10 ml. of dementium hydroxide! If all goes well, by tomorrow, we’ll be analyzing the properties of an aqueous solution of dementium stultitiate!”
Sr. A.E.:” I already detect an unpleasant odor. Let’s get out of here!”
**********
TIME: 5:05 AM – NEXT MORNING.
Andrew Eischeid: “Wake Up, Al! There’s something weird happening in the Bio Lab!”
Al Hogan: “Those incompetent science teachers! What have they gotten us into now?”
The two men hurry to the laboratory, but halfway down the hall, they are confronted with a Class One attack on their olfactory receptors. They are forced to go back and retrieve their gas masks.
A.H.: “That stench is indescribable! It smells like a still decomposing million year old mastodon!”
A.E.: “ I shudder to think what it will look like!”
Peering through the square of spyglass in the Bio Lab door, they tremble at what lies inside! A hideous mound of putrescence fills the lab, oozing over and around everything inside, and thrusting out pseudopods whenever needed. It engulfs and absorbs everything in its path. In the center of the undulating horror, is a triad of bulbous, bloodshot eyes, and perched on a high mound of protoplasm just above them, is a brown baseball cap, with the letters “CC” emblazoned on it!
A.H.: “We’ve got to get rid of that thing! There’s a sophomore class due in here at 10 AM. We can’t have that thing feeding on the Class of ’66, regardless of what Mr. Diaz says!”
A.E.: “Let’s get the Fire Department in here and hose this place out! By the Privates of Crom, I’d like to know what that thing is!
A.H.: “ I think I know!
A.E.: “So what do you think it is?”
A.H.: “It’s the dreaded “Crespi Critter!”
**********
For the remainder of the week, the biology lab was closed and sealed off with garnet and grey ribbons thus preventing the hideous thing from oozing out doors and windows. The authorities were at a loss as to how to expel the brown blob. Finally, it was Friday night and the JV Football team Captain made an impassioned speech before the game with Crespi:
Captain Dan McMahon: “OK, Guys! Let’s let this Critter know that our Indians will never become food for its fearsome foraging! It’s our turn to undulate---right down the field against these Bruiser Blobs!”
J.V. TEAM: “Lead the way, Captain Dan, we’re behind you all the way! Way Behind!”
And so it came to pass, that Capt. Dan McMahon, Co-Captains Rich Corona, Eddie Quijada, and Terry Brockert, and the rest of the enraged Indians set the tone for the evening, shutting out Crespi by the score of 14-0. The Indian Varsity followed suit, destroying the Engorged Encino Ectomorphs 27-7. The Drill Team was so grateful, that Dianne Scollard, Sarah Vasco, and Pam Richard hosted a “Bar-B-Q Blob” picnic to celebrate the deliverance.
**********
EPILOG: The only trace of the Critter in the Bio Lab was a noxious-smelling brown trail leading out to the storm drain in the front parking lot, and a brown soaked piece of paper with this cryptic message:
“BEWARE, CLASS OF ’66, I shall regain strength in the ocean and return for payback!”
CALIGULA (an anonymous teacher from Alemany) COMMENTS: Could THIS be the source of the terrible Tidal Wave that almost sank the Pterodactyl? Has its energy finally been spent? Have we seen the last of it? Only time will tell!
Flashback to spring 1965, the Monarchs are Juniors.
Office of the Vice Principal:
Father Frank Wagner: “Mrs. Patella, what is it you have to tell me.”
Mrs. Rose Patella: Why Father, Mr. Smidt just phoned and he and his entire family are down with the Russian flu!
Frank: “ The Russian flu! Heavens, who can we get to cover Mr. Schmidt’s classes? First period starts in four minutes!”
Mrs. Patella: “Well Father, it is either you or…….
Frank: “Or who?”
Mrs. Patella: “Or our visitor from Rome”.
Frank: We can’t do that. He is on a special mission from Rome to the Archdiocese.
Mrs. Patella: “Then I reckon, I ought to cancel your 9 o’clock tee time with Father O’Riley from Bishop Amat. The first period class for Mr. Smidt is Geopolitics with the Section II Juniors. Have fun!
Frank: Section II? No, not them! Last time I substituted with that group they chalked my chair, put a garter snake in the desk, and covered my behind with spit wads whenever I turned to the chalkboard.
Mrs. Patella: “Well…….what’s it gonna be?”
Frank: “I would hate to disappoint Father O’Riley. You know how he loves his golf and we were to discuss some new educational policies to recommend to the archdiocese. Yes, perhaps our guest from Rome would like to meet some of our students and share his insights from the Vatican. It would be good for the students to broaden their horizons with an experience like this.
Three minutes later in Room 17, Geopolitics Class
Tom Carnegie is standing on a desktop with his right leg bent up and held by his left hand; and with all his textbooks balanced on his head. Terry Bowles is counting seconds on how long Tom can hold this position. Bob Lenzion has a peashooter out and aiming at the left buttock of Carnegie.
Art Fonseca is peeking out the class door and down the hall and calls out: “A priest that I don’t recognize is coming in the hallway”.
A dozen students rush for their seats, and Pat Dolan bangs his knee on Carnegie’s desktop causing books, Carnegie, and Dolan to go flying in different directions. Books crash down on Paul Frysak who had been sleeping through all this…… and the classroom door opens……
In walks a young priest wearing a black wide-brimmed hat. He wears meticulously polished Gucci shoes. He has black mustaches, wears large wireless rimmed, tinted glasses, and is holding a smoking, Marlboro cigarette (without filter) between the first and index fingers of his left hand in a very casual manner…..
Substitute Teacher, Father Guido Sarducci, O.M.I.
The young priest looks around the classroom with books on the floor. Tom Carnegie stares up at him from a prone position with a desk on top of him. The priest glances from student to student as he walks down an aisle. He blows smoke in Frank Bonaccorso’s face (cough, cough) and then says in a high-pitched voice ….
Father Guido Sarducci: “ Buon giorno, class.
Section II: A slight pause from a stunned class, then in chorus, “Good morning, Father”
Guido: I am Father Sarducci on a visit from Rome and I thought I would stop by and’a visit with you this morning. So, what are you studying?
Dave Nehen (raises his hand and Guido points at him to speak): This is Geopolitics class, Father.
Guido: “Geo---poly! What kinda crap they teaching you in this class?
Guy Proto (after acknowledged with hand up): We are learning about the iron curtain and the communist regime’s sinister stance in the cold war.
Guido: Listen, forget that stuff. I guarantee that five years from now you are not going to remember who Molotov was, or what Lenin did. And though I read Das Kapital, the only lines by Marx that I remember are by Groucho. Most of this stuff you are going to forget before your first kid is born. I can teach you everything really important to remember from high school in the next twenty minutes. So please pay attention and in twenty minutes I promise, you will know everything that you are going to need to remember five years after you graduate and beyond. Let’s start with language. It’s good to be multi-lingual. What language would you like to learn? (He points to Mike Feehan).
Mike: Well, I don’t think Latin is going to be very useful, how about Spanish?
Guido: Ok, Spanish. Bye the way, you are right about Latin because I have insider information direct from the Vatican. And I mean this comes from the very top guy.
Terry Bowles: You talk to the Pope?
Guido: Why sure I talk with the Pope. We play poker every Friday night. And he tells me that the mass is going to be all English for you guys over here in America in a few years. Mark my words, write it down.
Wayne Jzyk: Wow! Father, how do you say, “Bring me a beer, please” in Spanish.
Guido: Hey kid, your too young for that. No, no, no! All you need to know is, “Como esta, usted? How are you”? This establishes a bond of concern and friendship. After that your Spanish-speaking friend will accept you speaking in English, pantomime, and pointing at what you want. Besides, five years from now you will not remember anything more.
John Preble: That makes perfect sense to me. “Como esta, usted?”
Guido: Excellent. Now that we have finished high school Spanish, let’s move to something practical, Economics.
Tom Carnegie: But Father, Economics is not an offered course for the college preps at Alemany!
Guido: It is now. Here is what you need to know. Buy low, sell high.
There is a knock at the door, and Marty Molidor enters the class with a note from Father Wagner. Guido reads the note, and says to the class, “Father Wagner wants to know if everything is going ok? What shall I tell him?
Tom Marsh: Tell him everything is fine. We want to hear more of what you have to teach us, Father Guido.
Guido scribbles a quick note and hands to Molidor, who lingers by the open door to listen
Guido: Now where was I? Oh yes, the core concept of Economics. All that you have to remember: supply and demand, you buy something very cheap that people want and you sell it at a higher price. Supply and demand!
Marty Molidor from the doorway: Wow, that is so simple. I am going to remember that, Father. Can I come back to this class after I return the note?
Guido: Sure, why not. Now here is your Religion exam question? Why am I here? The answer, anyone?
Twenty-five bright students are pondering this eternal question hoping to arrive at an answer that will please this likeable priest.
Guido: Time is up. You are here because God loves you. That is all you need to know. God loves you and you are here. Now let’s move to history. Well, history always repeats itself, so if you miss what happens the first time around, be patient because it will happen again and eventually be on the 6 o’clock news. It will have a left wing slant because the media are liberal. But I predict that in 40 years, the cycle will swing to all media being right wing and super conservative. So you have to disregard the spin doctoring and interpret the facts for yourself.
Father Wagner could not believe the note, that everything was fine. Not in Section II. He walked by the classroom and peeked through the little window in the closed door. To his amazement, everyone was in their seat and appeared to have rapt attention on Father Sarducci as he walked up and down the aisles speaking. And thus Father Wagner no longer felt worried and left with peace of mind for his golf date. As soon as Wagner left the building, Marty Molidor slipped into the classroom and took an empty seat.
When the bell ended first period class, students repeated what they had learned in the hallways. Paul Frysak: “God loves me and I am here”. Terry Bowles to Bob Johnson (a Section I guy), “Como esta, usted? ” Bob: “Huh?” And Mary Molidor, “Buy low, sell high! What an idea! I am going to give that a try.” {And of course this was the precursor of Marty becoming the founder of Molidor’s Super Duper Sock It Too Them Sockerooni Sauce.}
Flashback to October 24, 1964, Friday Dance, Alemany Gym
Pam Mertens (speaking into a microphone): Golly, everyone looks so cool tonight. I hope you are enjoying this dance sponsored by the Junior Class. And now with great pressure, er, I mean pleasure, I would like to introduce the coolest DJ in Southern California who will introduce our musical guest of honor. Please give a big Alemany Indian welcome from KRLA Radio to the Hullaballooer, Dave Hull.
A legend in LA radio, the "Hullabalooer" was recently named one of the all-time top-ten radio personalities in Los Angeles. For three decades he was heard on KRLA, KFI, KMPC and KHJ. He became known as "the fifth Beatle" during the 60s promoting the Fab Four in Southern California and also worked with the Beach Boys, the Dave Clark Five and the Rolling Stones. He hosted the TV show "Matchmaker". Dave is a well-known commercial voice, having been spokesman for Union Oil, Hallmark Cards, Morton Salt, and Paper-Mate pens.
Dave Hull at Alemany Gym with Eileen Chapman ’67 on right, Spyder Villalobos ’66 in the way too cool checked sport coat, Bev Benefiel ’67 left center, and Becci Reynolds '67 left
Dave Hull: (Applause and screams) Thanks kids. It is a pleasure to be here at Alemany. I hear you womped Amat last night, Congratulations Coach Ahn (Cheers)! Well, I know you have been waiting all night to hear one of the great voices in Top 40 music today. Here to sing his grooooovy hit song, Suspicion, Mr. Terry Stafford.
Girls are screaming. Guys are running around asking girls to dance. And Terry Stafford walks on the stage dressed in a coat of red sequins and tight, tight black leather slacks. His white shirt is unbuttoned half way down his chest. The music begins….
Every time you kiss me
I’m still not certain that you love me...
Suspicion reached #3 on the Top 40 in early 1964.
Peggy Jones: (Screams) “I love you Terry!”
Kathleen Phelan: (Screams) “No, I love you more than anyone, Terry.”
Laurie Dudzik: (simply faints, but is fortunately caught by Leo Restrich who half carries and half drags her to a seat on the bleachers).
Sister Jeanne Anne: (shakes her head.) If that Stafford moves his pelvis one more time, I am going to pull the light switch and send everyone home.
I can’t help but think
your meeting someone else tonight…..
Father Leo Dummer: Now, now, Sister. The parent’s council agreed to allow Mr. Stafford to perform.
Sister Jeanne Anne: Yes, but he was supposed to perform standing behind a podium. Oh, my, I think I am going outside for some fresh air!! (On her way out) “Mr. Carvotta, if you hold that girl any tighter she is not going to be able to breathe”.
Barb Broeski (pushes Rich Carvotta a little farther away): Let’s not push our luck, Rich.
Suspicion, torments my heart,
Suspicion, keeps us apart….
Several hands have to pull Mary Seifert back down to the dance floor as she tries to climb up on the stage with hopes of planting a kiss on the cheek of Mr. Stafford while he is performing.
Ken Meddock is standing in front of the stage and sidles closer to Vikki Majors '67, whose rapt attention is focused on Stafford. After a moment he reaches for her hand, and then after a brief moment of hand holding, the hand is pulled away with a sidelong glance from Vikki that silently says, “You presume a lot, Mr.”.
Ken Meddock first turns radish red, then sugar beet red, shrugs his shoulders and walks over to the punch bowl
Moments later….
Jay Pelzer (an Alemany expatriate who crashed the dance): I saw that move you put on Vikki, Ken, better luck next time.
Following the song, Dave Bolduc and Patti Bazar, Sophmores representing the Toreadors of the class of 1967 climb up on stage……..
Patti: Wow, how about Terry Stafford? (Loud applause and screaming)
Dave: And thanks to Dave Hull for coming here tonight. We are going to change the pace now. Since this is a Junior Class of 1966 sponsored Dance, the Sophomores have planned a special event to honor the Monarchs. There is going to be a little competition between the class Jocks and the class Brains from the Class of 1966.
Patti: Ok, representing the Jocks of the Junior Class, would the following people please come up on stage: Dave Gieg, Judy Pfeifer, Daria Shanks, and Jim Dantona.
Dave: And representing the Brains of the Class of 1966 let’s welcome up on stage, Cece Duffy, Terry Mock, Bob Riske, and Paula Carrabelli.
Slowly the unwitting contestants move up on stage, bewildered as to what is taking place.
Patti: Before we begin and to protect your lovely dresses, ladies, and your shirts, guys, we have these bibs for you to put on. Vikki Borquez, Doug Rex, Tom Zoller, and Jody Gilmore will help you tie on your bibs.
Dave Gieg: What gives with the baby bibs, Patti?
Patti: Just trust us, Dave; we want to protect your clothes. Reluctantly, Gieg puts on his bib with a little help from the lovely Jody Gilmore.
Dave Bolduc: Now to officiate this here contest, please welcome a Southern California legend, from KHJ-TV Channel 9, Engineer Bill Stulla.
During its 12 year run, the ENGINEER BILL “Cartoon Express” showed cartoons and played Red-Light, Green-light behind an elaborate miniature railroad train set.
Engineer Bill (dressed in his pinstripe engineer overalls comes on stage): “Hi, kids, how are you all tonight?” Giggles and laughter come from the students on the dance floor and even from a certain group of girls sitting high up on the bleachers known as the “Wallflowers” (we know who you are!).
Engineer Bill turns toward the bibbed contestants: “I think you all know how we play Red Light, Green Light”. But if not, all you have to remember is to drink your milk when I say Green Light and don’t stop drinking until I say Red Light. First team to have everyone finished with their milk wins. It’s that simple.
Patti: Of course, our Juniors are almost grown up now and need more than a little glass to drink.
Dave B.: Soooo, we have these 10-gallon aluminum milk cans for everyone to use for the contest. But don’t worry there is only one gallon of milk per can. Before we start we have judges from the Class of ’67 who will verify that your milk can really is empty when you finish, welcome, Maria Napolitano and Bobby Pichotta. The word of the judges is final.
Cece: Holy cow, gee whiz, a whole gallon! I can’t do this.
Bob Riske: Come on now, Cece, we can’t let these jocks show us up.
Terry Mock: (slowly is creeping offstage, but is pulled back by Dave Bolduc)
Paula: You can do it, Cece.
Cece: Well, I’ll try.
Jim Dantona: This will be a push over. Those nerds won’t be half finished before we win this contest.
Engineer Bill: Green light. (Everyone starts drinking). Red light. Milk is dribbling down eight faces all concentrating to hear the next command. Green light. The devious Engineer Bill watches as the students, drink and drink and drink. He doesn’t give the red light command. Cece is turning first blue, then purple, but she keeps drinking. Finally, Bill says, “Red light”. Even Gieg is gasping for air. And before you know it, “Green light” is heard. The students are hysterically shouting for their favorites to drink faster. Following several more red and green lights……
Dantona raises his milk can upside down over his head to show he has finished. Gieg is choking and has to stop for a moment. Paula Carrabelli is the first on the Brain team to finish. Then Pfeifer holds her can sideways to show it is empty. Mock takes a big gulp and tosses his can to the audience to inspect…..empty. Gieg has his breathe back and is furiously drinking again. Bob Riske falls over, but Carrabelli shows that his can is now empty. Daria lets out a high shriek, “I did it” and shows her can empty.
It is now Cece against Gieg in a race to the finish. Even Sister Jeanne Anne is jumping up and down yelling, “Drink faster, Cece”. Engineer Bill opens his mouth about to command, “Red light”, when Cece raises her milk can over Gieg and turns it upside down --- no milk remains.
Dave Bolduc: The Brains have beaten the Jocks.
A forlorn Gieg drops his milk can, and a small amount of milk, dribbles out onto the floor. And then the Dan McMahon Jive Five strikes up their rendition of “Glad All Over” and everyone has forgotten the milk drinking as they search for their dance partners.
Wallflower One: “I have never seen Dave Gieg so out of his element”
Wallflower Two: “Yeah, well I would still dance with him.
Wallflower Three: “Is that Bob Ryan, waving at me? Does he want to dance?
Wallflower One: No, he is just swatting at a fly. Who let these flies in anyway?
Wallflower Three: Gives a big sigh!
Bob Hull as DJ up on stage plays, Land of 1,000 Dances by the Headhunters. The floor is crowded with dancers as everyone has loosened up for the evening and most the shier guys have by now asked girls to dance. All the boys except that is Frank Bonaccorso sitting high up in the bleachers watching the dance alone now.
Wallflower #2 sits next to him. “Hi, Frank”
Frank: Oh, hi. Terry Stafford sure was good. Did you enjoy his song?
Wallflower: He’s awesome. Say, I haven’t seen you dancing yet. Why not?
Frank: Lifts his trouser leg and shows a huge ace bandage wrap around his ankle. “I sprained it in P.E. class today."
Wallflower: Sorry. Wow! Does it hurt? Well, I just thought I would say hello.
Frank: Thank you.
Wallflower: “Would you like to sit with us up at the top row?” She points up where Wallflowers #1 and #3 are giggling and waving.
Frank: Yeah, sure, my friends have all deserted me to dance, can’t blame them.
And so a very shy male who does not know how to dance even by his junior year (true confession) and faked a sprained ankle to avoid any girls that might hint they might like to dance is now officially Wallflower #4.
And so it went at the Junior Dance until the last dance was being played and Sister Jeanne Anne grabs Rich Carvotta by the ear and drags him out to the exit saying, “Entirely too close young man. You had your warning. Miss Broeski, my office first thing Monday morning. Otherwise a good time was had by all!!!!
Olympic Training Center, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Épée Olympic Team is training for the Beijing Olympics
Coach John Gugerty: No, no Monthaven. You are bending your wrist. Concentrate. Why, I bet your mother can do better than that.
It just so happens that Annie Gatusso Monthaven is observing her offspring from the bleachers.
Annie: Maybe, I can do better. Give me an épée. En garde, Gugerty!
Annie unleashes a blistering attack and Gugerty is on the defensive and backing up. Annie has her epee touch the facemask of Gugs.
John: Well, I wasn’t ready. Let’s try that again. Almost instantly, Annie has her epee tip touching the padding over the heart of the Coach.
John: Annie, where did you learn to fence?
Annie: Just from watching you coach.
John: You are a Natural!!!!!! Could I coach you?
Annie: Alas sir, I cannot fence.
John: Ahh, Shakespeare, from the Merry Wives of Windsor. But you have great potential, Madame. And indeed, I would like to coach you…..
And that is how Annie Gatusso Monthaven made the 2008 US Olympic Fencing Team.
I know you all will be rooting and watching her on NBC this summer in Beijing.
Lunch, October 23, 1964 at the Snack Bar under the Alemany Gym
Father Sarducci is puffing on a cigarette and conversing in Italian with Mr. Al Graci.
Marty Molidor with a slice of pizza and a cup of coke in hand is leaving the lunch counter and decides to talk to Father Sarducci.
Marty: Excuse me, Father Sarducci. I was wondering if I could speak with you for a moment.
Mr. Graci: Well excuse me, Father, I have to go work on a game plan for the Dee basketball team’s big game tonight against Notre Dame.
Guido: See you at the poker game after the basketball game, Al. Sure kid, whacha wanna talk about? But please, I am not hearing confessions today.
Marty: Oh no, Father. I was just wondering if I could learn a bit more about economics from you. What you said about supply and demand made a lot of sense in first period class this morning.
Guido (looks Marty over): Say, you seem like a really bright kid. You wanna help me with a business proposition and make some money………and so Father Sarducci partners with Marty to market his newly patented “Pope Soap On A Rope” on the Alemany campus – as you surely remember, it comes scented in olive oil, garlic, rosemary & thyme, as well as a precursor tomato-Tabasco aroma that later becomes Super Sockerooni Sauce. Sales go ballistic as Marty times his big sales push to commence just before Mother’s Day and just about every Alemany kid buys soap for their mother, grandmother. Many stock up the garlic scented soaps for Father’s Day. Marty has Kerry Beaulieu and Ken Matwickzak selling soap for him at Bob’s Big Boy after school. Even though Father Sarducci many years later markets Pope Soap On A Rope on Saturday Night Live, he can never match the sales Marty Molidor achieved in "65.
March 1988, somewhere in the highlands near Loch MacDougal, Scotland
Danny McMahon and Chuck Abel walk through a Scottish Village on their way to Castle Glenco McMahnogal
Three gents wearing kilts and holding torches are standing before the open drawbridge of a ruined Castle Glenco McMahanagal. Dark clouds are gathering from a westerly wind as night falls (Thud – that was night falling). A lightning bolt is heard to explode.
Chuck Abel: Yikes! What was that?
Tavis McTavish: Ah, Chuck and Danny, laddies, that was just a wee littl’ lightning. Nothing to scare a grown man with the Scotch and Irish blood in him. Now go on in, Dan, I am right behind you.
Dan McMahon: Why do I have to go first?
Tavis: Cause you inherited the castle from your Great Uncle Rory McMahon. I am just here for moral support.
Dan: And you say no one has lived in this castle for over 50 years because (gulp) its haunted?
Tavis: Oh, now, them is just local wives tales and gossip. Go on into the castle lads, let’s see what she contains. Your Great Uncle was said to have a treasure of jewels that your family protected since the days of Good Queen Mary of Scots
Dan: Takes two steps forward across the drawbridge. Then a cat lets out a loud, “Eoooow”. And Danny runs back and leaps into the arms of his cousin Tavis while Chuck is hiding behind Tavis with his kilts up over his face.
Now back to events in 2008…..
ABC News Studio, New York, NY
Bernard VanVlymen: Good evening, this is the news.
ABC News has just projected Bob Guerrero the winner of the Indiana primary in a landslide over Clinton and Obama. Guerrero took 73% of the vote with Clinton running second at 18%. A jubilant Guerrero, now with the delegate count that secures the Democratic nomination, met with his supporters at his campaign headquarters in the Alemany Gym and immediately challenged John McCain to a debate anywhere, anytime.
Bernie: In other news, we have Virginia Ortiz reporting from Fenway Park.
Virginia: Hi, Bernie. It is a doubly sad night for the Red Sox Nation. The Los Angeles Angels took the rubber match from the Red Sox today and now Carlos Santana has to go on the 15 Day Disabled List. Carlos dislocated a finger before yesterday’s game shagging fly balls at Fenway. Without his music, the Red Sox have lost two straight to the Angels and many fans fear the Sox may go into a dismal losing skid. Some are even talking that a new curse was put on the Red Sox last week by Derek Jeter. The Red Sox hitters just cannot get untracked without the strains of Oye Como Va and Black Magic Woman playing in their ears. Manager Francona is frantic and says he could call up a pitcher from Triple A but there is no way to replace Santana’s guitar. Not even the operatic duo of tenor John Stigman and soprano Cheryl Evanson singing Take Me Out To The Ball Game in the 7th inning could awaken the Red Sox silent bats. Red Sox GM, Gyoengyi Molnar Quinn called Bob Dylan, John Mellencamp, Sir Paul McCartney and even Bruce Springsteen – but all of them said they are already under contract. Keith Richards flat out refused to play as a temporary replacement and says he is a Yankee fan anyway.
Gyoengyi (running in front of report Ortiz shouts): “Someone, get me Clapton’s phone number quick”.
Ginny: Meanwhile, Manny Ramierez is trying to overcome the loss of Santana with a voodoo shrine in front of his locker, and I have heard a rumor that someone has buried a David Ortiz jersey at Yankee Stadium to create a curse on the Yankees! That’s it from Fenway, back to you, Bernie.
Bernie: We will have more on the Ortiz buried jersey later. Say, Ginny, are you related to David Ortiz?
Ginny: Not that I know.
Bernie: Just thought I’d ask. And now this word from Karen King Bonsai Trees……the cutest little trees you will ever own. At Karen King’s you are never barking up the wrong tree……..
Bernie: Finally in the news tonight we have a report from California about new problems for California Condors. Here is Mary Jo LaPorte Cullum….
Mary Jo: Hi, Bernie. I am here with biologist, Frank Diaz. Mr. Diaz what seems to be the problem with this recent decline of the California Condor?
Frank: Well, Mary Jo, although the Condor still is on the endangered list, the wild population was growing in recent years. However, after monitoring the chick hatch this year with volunteer students from the Ecology Club at Alemany High School, I am disturbed that we have had a complete failure of chick survival this year.
Mary Jo: What is the cause of this reproductive failure?
Frank: All our field data indicates that California Condors are being out-competed for deer carcasses by pterodactyls. And the pteros seem to be having a bumper crop of chicks. The much larger pteros are intimidating the condors and preventing them from feeding. They simply cannot obtain and feed regurgitated rotten meat to their chicks. This is a prime example of the classic textbook theory of Competitive Exclusion.
Mary Jo: And that is…..
Frank: Were you sleeping in 10th grade biology, Mary Jo? No two species can live in the same niche. I am afraid I am going to have to recommend to the Fish and Wildlife Service a controlled hunt of pterodactyls.
Watching TV while hosting a tea party of Alemany grads in her home in West Hills
Christina Marie Gilmore Williams: Over my dead body will there be a pterodactyl hunt!
Kathy Gordon O’Riley: This calls for action. Call out the members of STPHC.
Dianne Muscolo Bergstrom: Yeah, call out STPHC. Then… What is STPHC?
Kathy: Stop The Pterodactyl Hunt Coalition. I just made you Vice President. Be on your guard, Mr. Diaz, there will be no hunting pterodactyls.
Richard Coscia: Diane, you should call Arnie Swartzenegger about this right now! We need to get all the political help we can muster on this one.
Al Vicuna: Don’t you worry, Christina, we are going to protect our pterodactyls. After all a formerly extinct species trumps a mere endangered species. I know that Frank Bonaccorso lobbied for that change in the Endangered Species Act with the Secretary of the Interior who spoke before Congress on the issue. Next thing you know, someone will want to start marketing the Dodo birds that Frank brought back from extinction as fast food. Say is Frank on another time traveling expedition?
Castle Glenco McMahnogal
Danny McMahon was deep inside the castle of his departed Great Uncle. Tavish McTavish lighted several torches hanging on the wall of the Great Hall. A portrait of Uncle Dougal McMahon hung high above over an empty fireplace and right beside it was one of Sean Connery.
Danny: I cannot but get the feeling his eyes are following me.
Tavish: Whose eyes would they be?
Danny: The eyes from the portrait of Uncle Dougal.
Tavish: Nonsense. Let’s proceed.
Chuck Abel: Whispering to Danny….. “I thought the eyes were following us too!
Danny: Well, if you wouldn’t mind, I am going to call in my bodyguards just to be safe.
Tavish: Oh, all right, but then they will want a share of the treasure.
Danny: And they are welcome to a share. (Danny took out his cell phone and dialed.) “Hey, Leo, bring the boys into the castle’s Great Hall.”
Tavish: So I take it we wait here until the boys arrive.
Danny: Yes. Ahhh, here they are now. How did you guys get here so fast?
Danny McMahon’s Elite Body Guards, Moe, Curly Joe, Leo, and Larry report for duty.
Curly: We were listening outside the door.
Moe: (Pokes Curly in the eyes with two fingers.) Shut up, knucklehead. (Then he slaps Larry and then Leo).
Larry: What did we do wrong?
Moe: Nothing yet. But that is for the next time you do do something wrong.
Leo Restrich: Actually, Danny, we travel double time wherever we go and that is how we got here so fast.
Larry: (Holding a torch and looking slightly spooked by the eerie surroundings) Where are we going now?
Tavish: We will split up and search the castle for the treasure.
Curly: Oh boy, I always wanted to be on a treasure hunt. Knucck, knucck, knucck!
Danny: And report immediately by cell phone if you encounter any ghosts.
Curly: “Yanga, yanga, yanga! Nobody told me about ghosts. I’ll wait in the car.
Danny: (Hits Curly on the head with a roundhouse blow.) You are not deserting me given the money I am paying you. Search the basement you stooges! I will take the upper floor and Tavis and Chuck will continue on this floor.
Moe: Yes sir, boss. (All four stooges, in their haste, run into each other. Curly then runs into Danny, and finally The 4 Stooges run down the stairs to the basement).
Danny: (walking up a spiral staircase, when suddenly an owl is heard to call) “Whooooo whooo-who”. And then a gust of wind from an open window blows out the torch Danny is carrying and a big brown bat flies into Danny’s face.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
(To be continued when further information is decoded from the lost manuscript of L. Cranston)
