The Final Volume [24]
Part C.
The Further Saga of Alemany '66:
As Revealed by The Shadow
with minor assistance from
F.J. Bonaccorso and
Photo Wizards R. M. Johnson and DP McMahon


This Issue is Dedicated to the Memory of a Great Yankee
The Scooter, Phil Rizzuto

Holy Cow!

Subtitle: The Roller Derby Queen
2nd Subtitle: The Battle of the Great Prognosticators

Chalkstone Cliffs, Texas, 65 million years ago, minus a few minutes.
Chris Gilmore: Frank, can you hear me.
Frank Bonaccorso: I copy, Chris.
Chris: Sad news, the ptero chick in this nest is dead.
Frank: Bummer. Ok, what do you suggest?
Chris: Peggy, found another nest 50 yards south. We will proceed to check it out.
Frank: Roger that.
Suddenly the ground shakes and rocks fall from the cliffs.
Frank: Are you all right up on top?
Kathy Gordon: We are fine, Frank.
Then the ground shakes even more violently. The ground crew takes cover under a rock ledge as massive boulders come down from the cliffs.
Tim Jordan (from the gyrocopter): Frank, there is a big increase in the plume of ash coming up from the volcano. And lava is starting to flow from the side.
Frank: How bad does it look, Tim?
Tim: Lava is headed your way. You need to get the crew out.
Frank: All hands, we are shutting down the mission. All ground crew except head back to the Monarch II immediately. Tim give us five more minutes of air time to keep an eye on things, then head to the Monarch yourself.
Tim: Roger that.
Frank: Climbing team report.
Peggy: Chris is almost up on top of the second nest.
Frank: Everyone come down from that cliff, now.
Peggy: We are on the way.

Midnight on the USS Pterodactyl, San Pedro Harbor
There is a pajama party going on in the Lussier-Padberq cabin.
A rope drops over the side from an upper deck of the ship. A figure dressed entirely in black rappels down the side of the ship and stops at a lighted porthole. The black figure peers in the porthole.
Monique: AAAAAcccck. There was a face in the window.
Claudia Haugh Stepan: Call for the captain! I want to go home.

SPORTS FLASH!!!
Babs Da Bruiser Dominates Texas Roller Girls:
Retired Psychologist and Grandma
Wreaks Havoc with Team from Del Rio

Austin Holy Rollers 25, Del Rio Señoritas En Fuego 17
Austin, Texas, Shadow News Reporter, Frank Del Olmo

Babs 'Da Bruiser' Broeski scored 18 of the 25 match points for the Austin City Holy Rollers to soundly thrash the visiting Del Rio Senoritas En Fuego in the Texas League. The founder of the Bill Gates Institute, formerly known around the institute as Dr. Barb, recently left her white coat and notepads behind in Seattle to move to the Lone Star State and take up Roller Derby. After showing her stuff in a league open trials last week, Babs was immediately signed for six figures by the Roller Girls. Roller Girls coach, Ken "The Black Hat" Matwickzak, himself a retread from the NFL, praised the offense and defense of Da Bruiser in his press conference after the match. "Babs is the most dominating figure in Roller Derby in 25 years. She took three of the En Fuego girls out of the match and they are still counting the teeth that were knocked out. That elbow block she put on Marsha Mankiller Haney crushed the comeback thoughts of En Fuego in the 34th minute." It was revealed after the match that Mankiller skated the final minutes with a dislocated shoulder. "That Broeski girl is unrelenting", said Mankiller after the match. "I can't put my finger on her, but she reminds me of someone I knew back in High School".

Babs Da Bruiser leads the pack with determination and true grit
while Marsha Mankiller trails the pack in red.
What No Tattoo’s Bruiser?

With the victory, the Rollers moved ahead of the San Antonio Roadrunners and into first place in the League. The Holy Rollers next appear in an international friendly match against the visiting Norwegian Flicka from Tromso, Norway, on Sunday.
Da Bruiser advised her younger team mates "not to fear the Flicka because they are just a bunch of big fat Brunhildas". Asked why she left a comfortable life in the Northwest, Da Bruiser revealed, "This was my dream since 10th Grade. Roller derby rocks".

Live on the set of the Tonight Show, Hollywood, California
Ed McMahon: Tonight's guests are:
Rock 'n Roll Sensation, Peggy Jones with the Cootie Kat Barnblasters,
Also here with crime fighting tips are
Crime buster Sleuth from the Italian Carribinieri,
Scchief Inspector Eugene Rapposelli,
and
Superhero, Spud "The Black Magister” Spadero",
But there is more, discussing his recent road trip,
Wild Hog and Super Ski Box Putzscher, Joe Dispenza,
And last but not least,
Special Guest, CarMac The Magnificent.

Wild Hog or Road Hog?
Why isn't Dispenza wearing his letterman sweater?

Ed McMahon: We will have CarMac making his predications for 2007 right after this message from Li'l Doni Swenson Jelly Beans.

Li'l Doni at the Jelly Bean Diner,
the world’s only diner exclusively serving gourmet jellybeans.

Doni Swenson: Hi folks. We are celebrating Labor Day at Li'l Doni's. And to mark this holiday we debut this week our newest jellybean flavor, Habañero Pepper Jelly Beans. It will knock your socks off. Unless you are Andy Kotnik because surfer dudes never wear socks. With an order of 100 pounds of Habañero jellies we are offering a free month of Sparklett’s Water and a dispenser – and boys and girls you will appreciate having water available when you chew into these fireballs. Call to order at Li'l Doni's, that’s 988 77-JELLY. And for the first 100 orders you will get absolutely free, the new Nun’s For Fun CD, Rockin' In The Chapel Again. But that's not all. If you call before the end of tonight's show I am going to give you a replica model of the Five President’s of Mt Rushmore with Jude Hawkes' glow in the dark blinking eyes. Now back to The Tonight Show with Ed McMahon and CarMac The Magnificent.

Ed McMahon: Heeeeeeer’s CarMac. As you know we give CarMac the answer to questions which have been hermetically sealed in envelopes kept in a mayonnaise jar under the back porch at Funk and Wagnall’s. Are you ready for the first answer, oh magnificent one?
CarMac aka Dan McMahon: Ready, Eddie.

CarMac The Magnificent looks like someone I knew in High School.

Ed: The first answer is “putrid, rotten wolverine meat”
CarMac: “Putrid, rotten, wolverine meat”. The question is, “What does David Surges feed guests that visit in Duluth”. I think he withholds it from his sled dogs when he has really special guests.

Burbank, California, simultaneously on the air in the battle for TV ratings and the personal battle of the prognosticators at the Richard Carvotta Show.

Rich Carvotta: Tonight my guests are:
Dancing With the Stars Champion, Alfonso Covarrubias,
Golf Legend wearing his Green Jacket, Ken Meddock,
The winner of the Kentucky Derby, Jockey, Marie Chris Checkie Kinkaid,
World Record Tuna Fisherman, Danny Colonello,
With musical guests Bob Orlando and the Rastafarian Ragtime Polka Band,
And to start the show the Prognostications of the incredible Madame Zazza.

We will be right back after a word from Karen King Bonsai Trees.

Madame Zazza consults the crystal ball.
So does Madame Z look like Joann Guzzardi????
Wally Franklin says, “Yes” but Wally Ernsdorf says, “Not a chance.”
Tilt your monitor forward and back to see if you think it is Joann.

Following the commercial break we rejoin the Richard Carvotta show:
Madame Zazza: Ahhhhaaaa, to the Answer, "Putrid, rotten, wolverine meat", the question is, "The University of Michigan football team after a thrashing by Appalachian State".

Rich Carvotta: They will never forget that home opener game in Ann Arbor. Moving along, the next answer, Madame Z, is "$39.99".
Madame Z: I can see it now in the crystal ball, the question fitting that answer is, "The cost of Dave Gieg's new suit purchased from the bargain basement counter at the San Fernando Woolworth's Five and Dime Fire Sale". Easily the best suit Gieg ever owned.

CarMac: Hmmmmm. "$39.99" The question is "What was Jim Dantona's signing bonus with the Chicago Cubs".

Ed: What is the question that goes with this answer? "Serengeti Seduction of a Bat Naturalist"
CarMac: It’s very foggy, but it is coming to me. Hang on a moment. Ahhhhh yes, "What is the title of Theresa (Boyle)Southwick's next million seller romance novel?

Madame Z: Really, "Serengeti Seduction of a Bat Naturalist"? You mean Frank Bonaccorso finally got laid? Now that is remarkable! That guy usually gets no respect from women.
Carvotta: That really isn't a prognostication, Zazza. I read the advance manuscript of Terry Boyle's new book too. Frank almost gets laid after saving Scarlett Johannsen from a charging herd of African Buffalo, but then in the midst of a wet kiss, Scarlett hears the call of the jungle, "Aaaaaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaa" followed by the arrival of vine swinging Jay "Tarzan" Pelzer.

Scarlett wearing scarlet and Jay wearing his usual almost nothing at all.
Maybe Dave Gieg can send Pelzer one of his old suits.

Jay: Me, Tarzan. You, Jane?
Scarlett: Me, Scarlett. Him, Frankie Joe. You, big muscular, sexy, Tarzan. VaaaaVaaaVoom.
Frank: Oh, for crying out loud, cut the baby talk. Hey, Scarlett, I just saved your life from a herd of buffalo, while Jay Boy was playing with his…….
But the instant chemistry of Tarzan and Jane is sizzling, and Jay grabs Scarlett and swings off on his…..
Frank: ……vine. Well, this is not 'vine' with me. What a revolting development this turns out to be. No respect, again! Dr. Barb, I need you.

{Fade Out Carvotta Show, Fade in Tonight Show.}

Ed: Here is the final answer for your prognosticator's talent tonight, Oh Magnificent CarMac. CarMac takes the envelope from McMahon, holds the envelope to his forehead for a moment, and then rips the end of the envelope off with his teeth to read……………
CarMac: "The Alemany Class of 1966" Well Ed, you finally stumped me, I have never heard of an Alemany? Is that a disease? An extinct bird? A board game? Nope, never heard of an Alemany. I give up.

{Back at the Carvotta Show}

Madame Z: Ooooo, la la. Zee famous "Alemany Class of 1966". But of course, the question is "What is the greatest high school class ever?" The school of Christi Brecht, Dr. Alan Shows, Al Vicuna, Judy Pfeiffer and King Rex Olliff among others.
Rich Carvotta: It is a good school. Hey, Madame Z, are you ready for some Rasta Ragtime Polka? Featuring Ann Beal Logan on the accordion, take it away Bob Orlando.
Bob: And a one, two, three……
Bubbles and laser lights come down on stage with the music…….

USS Pterodactyl, San Pedro Harbor
Captain Arthur Durazo: Now what exactly did you see Monique?
Monique: It was a hideous face. It was horrible.
Art: Any distinguishing features?
Monique: Well, his nose was huge and flat, his eyes were beady, and he had long side-burns.
Art: Could the nose have been distorted because it was pressed against the glass?
Monique: Could have been, perhaps.
Art: Mr. Duggan, have every hand search the ship from stem to stern for stow-aways.
George Duggan: Aye, aye, Captain. Anything else, Sir.
Art: Yes, hoist the jib, batten the hatches, and weigh the anchor.
George: I weighed the anchor yesterday, sir, and frankly every time you give that command, I find the anchor to weigh 3 tons.

Poop Deck, USS Pterodactyl:
Lester Dunkin: You did what?
Elvis: Well, I wanted to see if Bobbie Mosher was here yet.
Rover: Arrf, arrf.
Lester: Rover, says someone is coming. We have to hide. Quick get under the canvas of that life boat, we are not allowed to have dogs on board. Come on, Rover, jump.

Chalkstone Cliffs, Cretaceous Texas
Frank: Come in Monarch II, this is Frank.
Dave Nehen: This is the Monarch, Bill Danaher, Peggy Jones, and Kathy Gordon are already aboard. Tim just set the gyro down beside us and is coming aboard now. You have to get out of there, Frank.
Frank: The lava is getting close. Oh, goodness gracious sakes alive, there is lava streaming to my left. It’s so hot.
Dave: Get out of there.
Frank: I can see Chris Gilmore rappelling down now. Have to help…… And then only static is broadcast from Frank’s end.
Chris is helped by Frank from the rope to the rocky floor of the cliffs. There is a racing torrent of lava to there left. And now there is lava to the right. They jump onto an uplifted bench of chalkstone, and suddenly lava flows all around them. The heat is intense. The lava is eating away the base of the chalkstone that keeps Chris and Frank from being roasted flesh.
Chris: I am so sorry, I got you into this mess, Frank. I know I should have come down sooner, but…..
Frank: If anybody is responsible for this predicament, it is me. Gosh, it is getting hot. We don’t have much time, Chris, there is something I always wanted to tell you……

Are Frank and Chris doomed to be incinerated by lava?

Can anything save them?

Check back soon for Part D of the Final Volume.

Before we leave you here are the results of the
Icons of Los Angeles contest.
The most beloved Icon of LA as voted by you the readers is:

The Pink Lady,
seen here being destroyed by LA County Workers.

And our contest essay co-winners are:
The ever dashing, Leonard DiTrapani who wrote:

My vote.... and its a tough one to decide. Frank, you really did pick out the most outstanding landmarks of our time for this competition, and I'm definitely torn about this decision, because they are ALL TIME GREATS! Ahhh the Pink Lady of Malibu. Yes I DID see that one, several times within a few days. Me and my surfing buddies couldn't get enough and went back and forth through the tunnel several times in one day just to take another look. But alas... it was gone all too soon. Sure brought back some good memories though. But that’s not my vote for the best icon. Then there was the Van Nuys Drive-in Theater, with it classic early California Mission theme artwork on the back of the screen for all to see and there was no mistake as to where you were going. Wow, talk about some more Great recollections! More than once I got into that place in the truck of my friends '52 Chevy. Two people in the front seat and two in the trunk. Damn that was fun. But again, not my numero uno. The 'Hollywood' sign. Well, it speaks for itself. Not much more can be said. Drove up there a couple of times for the view and got pinched by the cops for hanging out there one night with two friends and a couple of beers that we quickly dumped as they approached. Its STILL there and probably always will be so.... again not my winning pick. Randy's Donuts. Who HADN'T gone there just to say you did. Another Great icon but nope, not the one. BOB's BIG BOY. Wouldn't blame anyone for this choice either. Soooo many trips to the drive-in. Sooo many Big Boy hamburgers and a cherry coke. Too much fun on a constant basis. The guys, the girls the cars, and the waitresses. Soooo many memories there too. Like I said Frank, you didn't make this easy. Rocky and Bullwinkle and of course Captain 'Wrong Way' Peachfuzz.. Hokey Smoke, Loved that cartoon show and watched it as much as possible. And it was narrated by the rotund William Conrad... God rest his soul. But my favorite part of the show were the 'Fractured Fairy Tales. and Aesop's Fables'. and the narrating voice of the late great Hans Conried. Oh yea, Peabody's Incredible Tales with his boy Sherman.P.S., It was Boris Badinov. But once again, close, but no cigar. Ahhh, and now the Grand Prize Winner. Well, to me anyway. YEP, Felix the Cat at the Felix Chevy lot on Figueroa in LA. Now, I didn't go down there all the time but did pass it by on many occasions. ALWAYS loved the sign. It's at the apex of all BIG NEON signs of the times, including the Brown Derby, (which you didn't list.) And Felix the cat was an icon himself. As a kid I used to love those cartoons. Oh sure laugh at me if you like but I bet you'll have to admit that you remembered watching Felix with his bag o' tricks, the 'Professor, and Rock Bottom always trying to out do the jaunty black cat and Felix always coming out on top. The Cat, the cartoon and the SIGN, its a triple header! And that gets my vote... And as Felix use to say at the end of every adventure...LadiOoooooo!

Leonard J. DiTrapaniaka....Pani

and
The lovely Christi Brecht who wrote:

I cannot make up my mind anyway (as to her favorite). I remember them all and love them all. I try to hike often in Griffith Park so the Hollywood sign helps me know where I am. The Pink Lady reminds me of the oppression of things sexual in the sixties. It was bursting out everywhere especially in any form of art. Now you can turn on TV and find most anything. The health clinic I go to is in the same block as Bob's in Toluca Lake. The problem being is that those delicious hamburgers, fries and shakes are not on my diet anymore either. I loved Randy's donuts. There was one at my bus stop in Van Nuys. I knew the jingle from Felix's even though I had no idea where that intersection was in my teens. AH THE DRIVE-IN. I was not allowed to go on a date to that den of iniquity. I would find out where the show at the drive-in was playing in the theatre so I could report back a synopsis. Yes I lied. I have paid back in karma many times for my untruths. I use to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle after school but seeing it on Sunset was not too big of a deal because I had left the cartoon world by the time I saw the production offices. These were just a few thoughts I had when I saw these pictures.