Volume 9: The Further Saga of Alemany '66:
As revealed by The Shadow
and with minor assistance from F.J. Bonaccorso
Subtitle: The Red Baron Flys Again
As revealed by The Shadow
and with minor assistance from F.J. Bonaccorso
Subtitle: The Red Baron Flys Again
Mt Blanc, French Alps on a slope of 47.3 degrees!
Kit Figliozzi: Bob how are you feeling today, you look a little green?
Bob Johnson: I am not well, I have.....to go to the men's room, be right back.
Kit: Take your time. (Exit Bob. Enter the Michaelangelo and Rafael of Bobsled Design.)
Joe Dispenza: Hi Kit, biggest slope yet for our trials, ain't it awesome? Where's Bob, we are ready to go.
Kit: He will be back soon. What are you two eating?
Frank DePasquale: Second best meatball sandwich I ever had, Kit.
Kit: Oh.
Joe: I agree, this is good, but nobody does meat balls like Kit. We can't wait all day for Bob, meterology report from Lenny DiTrapani says a storm is coming in soon (light snow begins to fall).
Kit: Get the ski box ready and the putschers out here, I will go get Bob (she runs into the ski lodge)
(Mike and Steve Modugno come out ready to putsch and approach Prototype #40)
Bob: Suited up in a red helmet with his goggles already on runs out from the ski lodge.
Joe: There is your new ski box Bob, the new prototype! In honor of your old quest to fly, we dubbed her the Red Baron and she is the fastest thing on snow. Do you like her?
Bob: Nods head, slaps arms around body for warmth, and jumps in the Red Baron.
Mike: Hey Frankie, where are the putsch handles on this?
Frankie: The old style handles were too hard to handle for you guys, just get your pustcher grip from behind the wings.
Steve: No problem, I like it. Let's go do it Mikey. One, two, three, putsch!
Kit Figliozzi dressed as Bob Johnson in the Red Baron on Mt. Blanc.
And the Red Baron skied down the 47.3 degree slope leaving a trail of blinding snow flakes flying behind...... and did not even crash. Bob jumped out of the Red Baron and waved to the top of the slope giving the thumbs up sign.
Frank: Wow, great run.
Joe: And great putsch, you two are the best. The Baron is awesome. Bring on the Nepalese.
Mike: Can we head down to the restaurant now?
Steve: Come on, Bob and Kit will catch us later. They have chamois steaks today, I am craving a little red meat.
Bob: (Dismounts the Red Baron and walks path up to the ski lodge. Inside, Bob meets Bob? The crash helmet comes off to reveal, Kit in the racing uniform.)
Real Bob: Kit, what have you done?
Kit: Bob, you were sick today, I pinch hit for you.
Bob: Thanks, I guess. How did you do?
Kit: The Red Baron is fast, Bob. You are going to like this racing machine. If you feel better tomorrow, I can reserve the slope again. Wow, that was fun, you gotta let me ride some of the advanced prototype tests, you know when you need a rest or a day off.
Bob: Sure Kit, if you like it so much.
(Down at the restaurant the steaks are being served)
Joe: Wow, Bob rode her well today. He has had the wobbles the last few runs on prototype #39, but I guess he likes this racer.
Frank: I'll drink to that (all clank their beer steins). I have some ideas on how to get a little more speed, Joe. And we need more speed.
Joe: What makes you say that, the Baron is fast as a barracuda in school of sardines.
Frank: I got an email from the King of Sweden today, he is challenging us to a tune-up race on the Jungfrau.
Joe: The Jungfrau! The slopes there are almost as steep as the Matterhorn. We are not ready for the Jungfrau.
Frank: Rex set the date for one week from today. If we don't show up, we will never hear the end of it from the Swedes! We can't give them a psychological edge, we have to show, and we have to win.
Mike: Speaking of psychological edge, I need to head down to the airport. Our new sports psychologist is coming in today.
Frank and Joe and Steve: Huh? What sports psychologist?
Mike: The best, Dr. Ellie McConnaughy. With Ellie in our corner no need to be afraid of the Swedes, even if they do have that new Swedish Silver Bullet Volvo-hybrid that Rex has been bragging about.
NBC Studio at the Tonight Show:
Ed McMahon: Our next guests all represent the Dallas Cowboys, please welcome Quarterback Dave Gieg, Center Rick Borquez, and Head Cheerleader Sue Shannon to the tonight show. (Ponchie C. and the Flying Caballeros Band play Deep in the Heart of Texas).
Sue Shannon and Dave Gieg at pre-game interview.
Danny McMahon: Welcome, everyone. We might as well cut straight to the heart of the matter. Dallas lost to the Seahawks last week in a heartbreaker when Tony Romo dropped the hold on a field goal that would have advanced Dallas further into the playoffs. But even more important, Romo played almost the whole game at Quarterback. Dave, do you question the decision of the The Black Stetson, Coach Ken Matwickzak, not to play you more?
Dave: Absolutely not Danny. I was still suffering symptoms from the concussion sustained in the Bears game. Coach M knew that I was game to play for one drive and he did insert me for the final possession of the game when we drove down to the 2 yard line.
On 3rd down and a yard to go, Coach Phil Ahn sent in the Statue of Liberty Play, where I would fake a lateral to Terrel Owens, however, I could see that the Hawks defense had overloaded the side of the field to which I would attempt to run after the fake, so I was forced to check the play with a back running up the middle, and the whole world knows that did not quite work.
Ed: Yes, the run failed to get the first down, and the Romo miscue followed on 4th down. But you were marvelous in moving the team on that last drive to where it had the chance to win.
Rick Borquez: Let's also not forget that Dave gave the Cowboys a critical win against Da Bears that without question is the greatest single game performance in the history of football. And that game got us into the playoffs guys.
Dan: No argument there, that was an amazing game. Sue, what was it like to be back cheering on the sidelines for the Cowboys again, and for Dave Gieg.
Sue: Well, as you know I was a Cowgirl for 10 years and an Alemany cheerleader before that, then I moved on to other aspects of life. But with Dave and Rick back in uniform, I wanted to be there for them again. I can only thank the Cowboys for giving all of us one more chance in the spotlight.
Ed: What are the future plans for you three.
Dave: I will give it a lot of thought over the next month. I still have one more year left on the Dallas contract, but that concussion may have knocked a little sense into my old brain. There are some trade feelers from the 49ers that would bring me closer to home and the team I have spent most of my life rooting for. That is awfully attractive, especially now that I hear that Oscar Rivera, Jr., is making a bid to buy the San Francisco 49'ers. However, in the meantime, I have bought a little hacienda down in Baja California where I will enjoy a little peace with my family for the near future.
Sue: You call 10,000 acres a little spread?
Dave: By Texas standards, yes. Why Coach Matwiczak has 80,000 acres of pistachio nuts down near Austin.
Rick: Yeah, and Dave did not tell you that his land is an agave plantation and that all that agave gets made into Tequila.
Dan: Wow. So you will be a Tequila baron, Dave?
Dave: Sort of, yeah. Actually I am talking to the Fusano family about a joint venture diversifying their olive oil presses into agave presses and a distillery. Look out Bacardi, here comes Gieg's Gold Label! I also have Teri Arteaga coming down to the hacienda to teach me how to make those incredible tequila cookies, I can't seem to get through the recipe far enough to actually get to the baking part. Those are my immediate plans.
Ed: And Sue what will you be doing in the future.
Sue: I am leaving cheerleading behind, Ed. Doing the splits on the field is for the youngsters. As you know, I had screened for the part of Cat Woman with Spielberg, but did not get the part. I hope to get another part in a major movie soon.
Sue Shannon (2nd from front) doing her thing during Dallas-Seahawk game. Hey, there are two redheads on the Cowgirls squad!
Dan: And Rick, what is in your future?
Rick: Well, I kinda enjoyed opening holes in the defense and protecting for Senor Gieg. If he signs with the 49'ers, I might just have to go along. If not, maybe Dave can give me a job on the tequila plantation. I promise not to drink all of what we produce.
Ed: Thanks for being with us Sue, Rick and Dave. And now a word from our newest sponsor, the oil of a thousand uses, Fusano Olive Oil.....
Does your family deserve anything less than the best? Use the best, use Fusano.
Playboy Mansion Basement:
A banquet table is set for 11 people among the chemistry benches and the smoking, bubbling flasks. Present are Alan Shows, John Barreiro, Cha Cha Faitel, Chris Gilmore, Terry Mock , Greg Pokorski, Frank B., Bill Danaher, Art Fonseca, Pat Dolan, Tim Jordan
Terry: Dinner will be ready in a few minutes, but first let's have a toast to the Expedition. To success! And to Dr. Alan Shows, our nobel laureate.
Everyone: To success. To Dr. Alan Shows.
Greg: And now Frank why don't you do a little briefing about our destination and the animals we intend to bring back.
Frank: Well. Ahem. (Pause, he is at a loss for where to begin as he looks at all the anxious faces.) Maybe words would not explain it to these folks, Greg, why don't we just proceed to the demonstration.
Greg: Alright. Cha Cha would you bring Mona over here.
Cha Cha: (Opens a door on a cage and Mona the capuchin monkey leaps on to her shoulder.) Everyone, this is Mona. She is going on a little journey.
Terry: (Opens the curtains to the time machine, while Cha Cha fits a helmet with a mini-cam on the front.) Mona is going time-traveling, to 65 million years before present. (Gasps!) And her geographical destination is southern Texas. We will send her off now and by the time we finish eating, her mini-cam should have enough bytes stored to bring her back. We can view the film with our desserts and coffee.
(Cha Cha places Mona on the bathroom scale platform of the time machine. While everyone in the room is watching Mona and Cha Cha, a woman sneaks outs from behind drapes and leaves the basement unseen! Terry and Greg fidget with the controls. Lights blink, a whirring noise is heard. And then poof! Mona is gone!)
Alan: Ok, nice trick Greg and Terry and Cha Cha. I didn't know you were all into magic tricks.
Terry: This is no trick Alan, you will see the results after we dine. (Playmates bring steaming dishes into the banquet area.)
John: Ok, Frank, say this time machine really works, what are we going after?
Frank: We are going to the Cretaceous, to the limestone cliffs off southern Texas and Chris is going to climb the cliffs and steal us at least two pterodactyl chicks? And you are going to film it all John.
Chris: Whoopeeeeee! I am going to be more famous than that gorilla lady and Cat Woman too!
Palm Springs on the putting practice greens.
Bob Lendzion: Ok Tiger, line up the putt the way I showed you last time.
Tiger: Bob, I am not lying down on the green to sight the putt with your Dick Tracy sighting cross hairs. Now, can I putt alone for awhile.
Jay Pelzer: Tiger, how many times am I going to have to speak to you about following team methods. Bob has used this method since he was the runner-up in CIF Sectional championships in '65. Please give it a chance for the team.
Tiger: (Takes a deep sigh.) Alright, I will try it once more, but where are Bill Merriken and Ron West today?
Jay: I gave them the day off. They do not have quite the trouble you seem to have with putting technique.
Buckingham Palace, England.
Guy Proto: And so Your Majesty, if you should need any polo players I did ride a horse once and basically it is just like croquet anyway and......
Queen Elizabeth II: Rise Sir Guy and Sir John. (The queens removes the gleaming sword from Guy's shoulder and hands it back to her butler).
John Preble: Thank you your majesty, we better get off now, the Ryder Cup is not that far off and Colin Montgomery, Sergio, and Seve are waiting to practice with us.
(As John and Guy leave the hall, The Queen whispers to Prince Charles): I do hope King Rex of Sweden has not made a mistake in recommending those two for knighthood! Rex exaggerates a bit, the over-optimist on just about every subject known to the human race. Still if it keeps the Ryder Cup away from the colonies for another year.....
Britain's Queen Elizabeth stands with Sir Guy Proto after presenting him with a knighthood at Buckingham Palace, London, January 12, 2007. (Photo by AP cameraman, D. McMahon)
Oddsmaker Chuck Abel sets odds of victory favoring the Preble-led European Team at 3:1 over the underdog USA Team led by Pelzer. The USA was favored until it was discovered that Tiger Woods has lost all putting form.
Queen Liz provides RAF jet and sends Sir John Preble off to practice with pomp and ceremony.
The Walrus Workout
The San Diego Plain Truth Dealer, Ruth Snell reporting.
Seaworld, San Diego. January 9, 2007
It is well known that Americans are trying to get in shape by better diet and exercise to live longer lives, and so is one of Seaworld's beloved but beefier residents. Seahook the Walrus is overweight. Seaworld has the lumbering and popular walrus on an exercise regimen doing push ups, crunches, and backflips with his personal fitness coaches, Connie Sternadel and Bob Riske.
Sternadel and Riske are renowned trainers of animal stars the world over and include Bart the Bear, Lassie, and Godzilla among their clients. Recently, Connie has been in Alaska helping Cecil the Giant Squid to do chin ups and back-flips, while Bob has remained in southern California to intensify the program with Seahook. Says owner, Ann Turner Olsen, Cecil just has not been the same since appearing on the Dick Carvotta Show. He has been in a blue funk. I think he became very attached to Carvotta during their brief interaction. He has been gaining weight and not swimming much, so I brought in Connie to motivate and train Cecil. Connie has Cecil feeling the zest for life again, in fact we had to pull Cecil out of a fairly nasty fight with an orca whale yesterday.
Sternadel and Riske are renowned trainers of animal stars the world over and include Bart the Bear, Lassie, and Godzilla among their clients. Recently, Connie has been in Alaska helping Cecil the Giant Squid to do chin ups and back-flips, while Bob has remained in southern California to intensify the program with Seahook. Says owner, Ann Turner Olsen, Cecil just has not been the same since appearing on the Dick Carvotta Show. He has been in a blue funk. I think he became very attached to Carvotta during their brief interaction. He has been gaining weight and not swimming much, so I brought in Connie to motivate and train Cecil. Connie has Cecil feeling the zest for life again, in fact we had to pull Cecil out of a fairly nasty fight with an orca whale yesterday.
Seahook working out with trainer, Bob Riske, while Connie Sternadel is in Alaska.
Once again, this series is not possible without the generous assistance of Robert Johnson and Dan McMahon. Any errors of fact (unlikely) or comments can be sent to bonafrank@yahoo.com Watch out, you could be in Volume 10.
