The Dog Days of August
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Read the Morning Newspaper Again!
The Shadow Still Knows!

The Shadow Press has gleaned these Alemany-bytes of news from somewhat obscure news releases from small towns around the world. Obviously, most of these could only have been leaked by The Shadow. We have gathered all this news in:

“What The Shadow Knows”

And yes, we have a Trivia Contest (scroll down to the bottom of this page) which is only open to those who received an actual diploma from Bishop Alemany High School in 1966 (too bad transfer students).

Davied Nehen Has World’s First Astro-turf® Scalp Implant

Somewhere in a dingy basement of Southern Idaho a non-certified plastic surgeon (this guy uses plastic for his implants) implanted 3,000,028 Astro-turf® fibrils into Dave’s scalp. Dave was asked why he wanted this radical treatment by Shadow Reporter, Bill Danaher, especially since he still had his own (almost) full head of hair. “Just rub your fingers through my turf, it’s the texture that girls can’t resist, plus I need never go to a barber again, and best of all, no more Brylcream® for me. For the "folicly-challenged" members of the AHS class of '66, further information on the Astro-turf transplants can be obtained by contacting the groundskeeper of your local sports team or the Academy of Synthetic Surgery at Dupont-USA, Inc.com.

Frank Bonaccorso Orbison wins Second Place in theKaracoqui Karaeoke Contest in Hilo

Singing Roy Orbison's "Crying", Frank/Roy won a $15 dollar restaurant gift certificate and a Bud Light t-shirt. Immediately after the victory Frank/Roy was interviewed by the intrepid journalist, Peggy Jones. "Whooeeee! Eat your heart out Danny Mc!" said the elated Bonaccorso.

Click the start button for the FrankieJoe/Roy rendition of "Crying".........

Danny McMahon Cancels World Mega-Tour with Elvis Moments Before Beijing Opening Night—

Asked by interviewers why he cancelled a rock’n’roll mega-tour promising prospects of generating the largest money-earning rock tour in history, Danny had this to say. “That low-down hound dog hustler, Elvis, went back on his word. I mean, son, I get out of the limo and look up at the marquee, and Elvis has top billing. That SOB can’t even hit a bar chord right anymore, and he gives me second billing. You know that can’t be right. Why that #$**! has been in outer space for the past 25 years while I have been paying my dues in every honky tonk across America, even having to wear phony costumes. I mean dressing like a priest! I can’t talk anymore. Asked what he was going to do: “First, I am going to fire my agent, and then I’m going bowling. They have got bowling lanes in this country, haven’t they?”

Charmaine Haley Coimbra Breaks World Record—Port Blanford, Newfoundland.

Char Haley broke the world record for barefoot whale-back riding yesterday. The old record held by Kathryn Martin Rahmn of 66 hour 31 minutes and 12 seconds on a rare melanistic beluga whale was extended by the bare-footed grandmother from Cambria by a full 29 minutes flat before she was washed off her mount by a rogue wave. Wrapped in a blanket and drinking Ovaltine® fortified with Old Bushmills®, she was asked how she was able to accomplish this fete of da feet in the icy cold waters of Newfoundland, Coimbre replied, “It helps to have big feet”. Charmaine rode a not-so-rare finback whale named Corky from Port Blanford to way, way, way out into the Atlantic. Guiness Book of Records official, Thomas Stratton, after picking up Charmaine in his trailing kayak, declared the new record official. When told that her record had been broken, Rahm replied, “Oh, fiddle farts!”

Elsewhere in the News:

Beer Summit

Former President Judith Hawkes was furious at the Obama adminstration for upstaging a summit she will host later this month at Camp David--The Alemany Class Presidents of 1966 Beer Summit and Hoola Hoop Fest© had been widely advertised. Hawkes was seen waving her arms frantically and saying “I have my lawyer, Oscar Rivera, filing suit with Judge Judy at this very moment. First there is copyright infringement using the phrase “Beer Summit” which I have had engraved on my invitations for weeks, second why weren’t there any women invited, and third he didn’t even buy American beer. See you in court, Barack!”

Summer Time Blues

David Surges heard reports that “good weather” was springing forth and came out of his home in northern Minnesota, saw the sun, and ran back into his basement where he was declared to stay, “Let me know when it is back to normal, you know when the ice returns. And honey, can you feed the sleddogs, tonight, I can’t go out in this weather?”

Good News Corner:

After three years in a full body cast, Andy Kotnik, is fully recovered from his surfing accident. When given his release and a full bill of health (did he have insurance?) from the UCLA Medical Center which had been his home since 2006, nurses asked what would be the first thing he would do? Andy replied, “Have a Bob’s Big Boy double-decker hamburger.” As he left his home for Bob’s, Andy stopped to check the mailbos since no one had been collecting it for all this time. As he stood in the street beyond the curb and reached way into the back of the mailbox to collect the single letter in the box……he was hit by a 300 lb skateboarder.

Here is a photo of Andy as he has again taken up residence at the UCLA Medical Center.
Andy Kotnik, August 2009

Baron and Baroness Leopold von Restrich Take Residence in New Home

Good things happen to good people (occasionally). Our classmate, the former Leo J. Restrich recently came into a family inheritance. Leo and his lovely bride have relocated to the mountains of Bavaria. Leo is now titled as the Baron Leopold von Restrich and Maggie is now the Baroness von Restrich. But don’t fear, Leo, I mean Baron von Restrich as he insists I call him, is still the same old friendly person we all knew from Alemany. In fact the Baron and Baroness are having an open house from 2-4 PM, September 15 for Alemany Classmates. When you get to the front door at the Schloss knock loudly, cause it’s a big house and the von Restrichs’ cannot yet afford servants. Here is a photo of Leo arriving at their new cottage in the Bavarian Alps. Maggie flew first class on Luftansa, since the Fokker triplane couldn't accomodate all her luggage.

Casa von Restrich formerly Schloss Neuschwanstein

And just in case you had not heard. Leo is the second member of our cast to receive a European entitlement. Some months ago, Leonard J. Di Trapani moved to Switzerland as the 19th Baron von Trapp. He can be found on most days atop the Jungfrau yodeling and singing songs from “The Sound of Music. Send us some Swiss chocolate, Baron!

That’s all for now, but remember, no matter where you go, nor matter where you try to find obscurity, no matter, no matter: The Shadow Knows.

My Chevy before it started growing moss in the Hawaiian rain forest

Shadow Triva Contest Question: In correct order as appearing on the cover of the official biology textbook used by Alemany High School in 1963-64, list the authors of the text. Hint: there were three authors and no fair asking Frank Diaz for help. First person to answer correctly wins Bob Johnson in a USPS flat rate box as soon as he diets to under 70lbs. Email answers to bonafrank@yahoo.com