Volume 13: The Further Saga of Alemany '66:
As revealed by The Shadow
and with minor assistance from F.J. Bonaccorso
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Special Dedication:
To Our Parents,
The Greatest Generation
Upon writing this edition we learned of the
Passing of the mother of Andy Kotnik
Our sincere condolences to the Kotnik Family
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Subtitle: Goodness, Gracious, Great Balls of Fire.
2nd Subtitle: All Hail, Gaius Plinius Secundus

Rockefeller Plaza, New York City.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I am your host, Murray Suarez, for tonight's semifinals of Dancing with The Stars 2007. Our first contestants tonight will be Grammy Award Winner Shania Twain dancing with 2007 champion of the Paris-Dakar Rally, the world's toughest off-road race, Alfred Vicuna.
Murray: Welcome Shania and Al. Al, what is it like in a 7,000 mile Rally across the Sahara?
Al: Very dusty, Murray.

Vicuna and Twain before the Fire Dance.

Murray: I see. Shania what has it been like dancing with Al through the early rounds?
Shania: Al is so light on his feet. He is just like a feather with hips. And he is the sexiest man in racing.
Murray: It's time to dance. What will be your free-choice dance tonight Al?
Al: Murray, Shania and I will perform the Hawaiian fire dance.
Murray: Well this will be a first for our program. Torch-bearers, please light the fire. Maestro, Willie Melendrez, music please.
The Hawaiian Fire Dance is played by Muy Peligroso Band with a Hawaiian drum section of David Krohman, Timothy Kunke, and Michael Marko in grass skirts borrowed from the Alemany wardrobe left from South Pacific. And the dance begins. Shania and Al have incredible jumps and spins over the fire pit. Each is tossed a pair of torches lit at both ends. They dance around each other, tossing torches in the air and catching them. They toss torches between each other. The crowd is in silent awe as the drums intensify in pace. Al leaps high in the air over the torches that Shania holds and pirouettes after landing. They twirl the torches surrounding themselves in a fireball.

Al Vicuna and Shania Twain are hot, hot, hot in a ball of flame while performing the Hawaiian Fire Dance.

Side stage: Ron Turkal sporting a black bow tie with pink polka dots, white sport-coat, and a pink carnation tells J-Lo: Wow, I never knew Al had moves like that. He is the reincarnation of Emmet Smith. And he breathes fire like Puff the Magic Dragon.
J-Lo: Shania ain't bad either. Ooops, was that a costume malfunction?

Misenum, Italy, 79 AD. In the courtyard of a large villa.
Pliny The Elder: Alright, Alan, let's say I do believe you are from a great land far beyond the Pillars of Hercules and across the Mare Oceanus. There is no call to create a panic up and down the Bay of Neopolis that will affect tens of thousands of people.
Alan Shows: In our land, we have made prediction of volcanic eruptions a precise science. I am confident that the volcano will erupt violently within the day. You are a great man of science, surely, you can understand our concern. Gaius Plinius, you must act (Alan stomps his foot). Besides, the people already are frightened.
Pliny: You do have very advanced gadgets. I wouldn't mind taking a ride in your flying machine. And those, what do you call them, walkie-talkies, they are jolly good.

Here is Gaius Plinius Secundus, also know as Pliny the Elder, as photographed by John Barreiro at Misenum on the day Vesuvius erupted.

Pliny used John Barreiro’s camera to photograph John, the Imperator.
When in Rome, do as the Romans, and try to blend with the locals. Hannibal
would not have stood a chance against this determined Roman.

Tim Jordan: These oysters are quite good, Plinius. Try one Kathy.
Kathy Gordon: Somehow, I am not very hungry Tim.
Pat Dolan: (Slurping an oyster) You have to keep your energy up, Kathy (slurp). No telling (slurp) when we may eat again. Look, there comes the rest of our group jogging down the road, Alan. Frank is still the star runner, way ahead of all the others. Why, I remember the time we both ran a 4:02 mile, sophomore year in gym class at Alemany. I barely out-leaned him at the finish.
Alan: Stow it, Pat, we have a serious situation here. Now as I was saying Gaius Plinius, please ready the fleet. Why don't we all go out on your flag ship and make observations of the volcano from the sea.

Military Tribune, Attilius Allanus Shows.
Girls what do you think of those legs? His email is rashows@aol.com

Pliny: Yes, capital idea. I can make observations and put them in my Historia Naturae. Very good!! I must get Pliny the Younger to pack a bag for me. Alan, have all your people transfer whatever gear you have to the docks and I will meet you there. Where is that nephew? (He shouts) Gaius Caecelius?

Meet Octavius Maximus Danaher and Gaius Aurelius Corso Bono marching in perfect synchrony. Is it any wonder that the Roman Empire collapsed? Obviously the centurion on the right has the better pair of legs.

Madame Zazza’s Psychic Parlor, Culver City, California
Madame Zazza: Excuse me Oscar, I will be right with you, please sit down, I just have to finish with this client on the phone:
(Oscar and the two Wally's, Ernsdorf and Franklin, seat themselves. Madame Zazza wears a scarf over her head and wears sunglasses.)
Zazza: Yes, you only have one more online class and I can send you your Genuine Fake Psychic Diploma certified by the State of California Board of Psychics. And may I say sir, that you show more promise than I have seen in a long time. Your premonition and telepathy indices are off the charts. Did you ever attend the Hogwart's School? Oh, you did attend Griffindor for one semester! Thought that might be the case. Now, how did you spell your last name again sir, so that it is correct on your diploma? Aha, P-E-L-S-E-R. Ok, I see your final credit card payment for $199.99 has cleared. That final lesson will be emailed to your shortly. Bye-bye. (Switches phone off)
Oscar, darling, how are you?
Oscar Rivera: Couldn't be better Madame Zazza. And these are my associates that I have told you about. This is Wally, and over there is Wally.
Zazza: Darlings, deeeeeelighted. Wally may I read your palm.
Ernsdorf: That's ok, maybe another time; it still has pine tar all over it from taking batting practice with Jim Dantona this morning.
Oscar: I have to say Zaz that all your predictions were correct, except for that notion you had that a comet was going to destroy earth last week. But the lottery, the horses, the roulette wheel, the football games were all winners. Here is a little token of my esteem for your assistance. He hands Zaz a check for $1 billion dollars.
Zaz: Such a nice round number. (Places check in the bodice of her blouse.) What do you want to play next?
Oscar: Actually, I don't want to play anymore. My goal was to become the world's richest man and Fortune Magazine has declared that to be the case. And I was able to humble Gates, Murdock, and Trump in so doing. I must say your idea to bluff every hand of poker against those guys worked. I never had more than a pair of 8’s the entire night. Now that I have all this money, I am going to give most of it away to charities.
Zaz: (with lifted eyebrows) Each to his own choice. Well, thank you for the generous check Oscar. Either of your friends interested in a fake psychic degree? No? Well, ok then. I will show you out.
(On the street, outside Madame Zazza’s.)
Ernsdorf: Why is it that that woman reminds me of Joann Guzzardi Romero?
Franklin: You know her voice sounds like Joann and wearing that bandana and sunglasses. Hmmm. What about it Oscar? Who is Madame Zazza?
Oscar: Madame Zazza is Madame Zazza. That is all you need to know. Let's go. I feel generous today, boys. Let's go donate a new wing to the UCLA Children’s Hospital.
Then I have to call San Francisco. I think I might just buy the 49'ers after all. Gieg and Borquez retired from Dallas right after coach Matwiczak was fired, so that franchise is going downhill. Oh, and I am giving Marty Molidor 10 million to settle his Taco Bell lawsuit out of court.

Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam.
Chris Belle: (leading a group of students through the galleries) Here you can see the delicate brush strokes used by Van Dyck are quite different from his formative years..... (Alarm bells go off throughout the Museum. Director Belle looks for a security guard to explain the problem?).
Guard Mark Belmont: You had better come with us, Director Belle. (Two guards lead her to her own office.)
Chris: Oh no! How could this happen? (The Breughel painting from the wall behind her desk is missing). On her desk, she finds a pink sheet of paper with black lettering. It reads, "Las Panteras Rosas".
Chris: Cuuuuuurses! The Pink Panthers have struck! (She turns to the head of Security). There is only one thing to do. Quick, call for Scchief Inspectore Rapposelli in Torino!

Late Night ABC News.
This is Bernard Van Vlymen; and now the news:

The auditorium at Rockefeller Plaza burned to the ground this evening. There were no deaths but five people including Shania Twain and Alfred Vicuna are being treated for smoke inhalation. The fire started just before the conclusion of the Hawaiian Fire Dance when embers started a fire in the ceiling tiles. Here is a report by on-the-scene reporter, Pamela Groves Horowitz.
Pam: Hi Bernie. The crowd was disappointed to only see one pair of dancers before this round of semi-finals was shut down. The pair of Twain and Vicuna have been disqualified for not completing their dance. That means that Ron Turkal and Jennifer Lopez go on to the finals in two weeks in Torino, Italy. It's a bad break for Al and Shania. They were doing the fire dance like we have never seen it performed. The biggest applause of the night was just prior to the fire when Shania had a "costume malfunction". That alone seemed to sway some of the judges, especially Prime Minister John Thompson. Replacement judge, Danny McMahon, also said he was ready to give high marks to Twain-Vicuna; but his hands were tied according to the rules because the couple did not finish the dance. Next week, in Detroit, the other semifinals will have Christina Aguilera and Alphonso Covarrubias going against Liz Pack Jones and Leo DeCaprio. That dance-off will determine the final pair to dance against J-Lo and Turkal in the finals.
Bernie: I understand that Dan McMahon is the judge that has replaced Bobbie Mosher. Our viewers know that Mosher is reported missing. Any leads about what happened to Bobbie Mosher?
Pam: No Bernie, Mosher and two friends dining with her poolside at Graceland are still missing without a trace. Her husband John Noreen has offered a $5 million dollar reward for information leading to Bobbie's return. Word is that Oscar Rivera provided Noreen with the reward money.
Bernie: Thank you Pam.

News from Amsterdam:

The modern day Pink Panthers known as Las Panteras Rosas, two super stealthy art thieves believed to be women, have stolen the masterpiece, Latona and the Peasants of Lycia by Breughel the Elder. This painting, valued at $14 million, was one of the crown jewels of art in the Reijksmuseum. It was stolen right off the wall of the Museum Director's office. No leads have been found yet. But world famous international sleuth, Scchief Inspectore Eugene Rapposelli of the Italian Carabinieri is said to be flying to Amsterdam.

In sports:

The Maverick’s Big Wave Surfing Contest in Hawaii was won by Glen Eurich in the final round. Previous leader, Andy Kotnik, wiped out on a 30 foot wave and suffered multiple injuries. Andy is recovering and was able to say that you can bet that we will be back at Maverick’s for next year’s competion.

I guess that about wraps-up our story on Andy Kotnic pictured here. Sure
hope Andy likes milk shakes and chicken soup.

And finally in the news tonight

A new comet has been discovered in the heavens in the Asellius Sector. It was discovered by a volunteer astronomer at the Keck Observatories in Hawaii. The Poirier Comet is named after discoverer Adrienne Poirier. It is predicted that the Poirier Comet will be brighter than Halley's Comet once it approaches Earth. And that's all the news fit to tell. Good night, America.

Approaching the Docks of Misenum.
The Alemany gang is walking toward the docks when suddenly they are surrounded by an angry rabble. Some Misenians start throwing rocks.
John Barreiro: Alan what are they saying?
Alan Shows: They think strangers, us, have angered the gods and that is why Vesuvius is erupting. We are in deep trouble, ouch! (A rock strikes Alan)
(Fortunately, Gaius Plinius and Marcus Attilius are approaching with Pliny’s honor guard of legionnaries.
Pliny: Legionnairies break up that crowd and protect the honored guests. (The legionnaires form up around the Alemanians and with their shields form the legendary Roman "testudo" or protective turtle shell. The Alemanians are under the shields in the middle of the formation and are walked safely to the ship of Pliny.

The Alemanians are under the testudo formation and away from the angry mob.

Aboard USS Enterprise, Jr., headed toward Planet Earth.
Leo Restrich: Is Bobbie resting quietly now.
Judy Brouillette: Yes, I gave her a sedative. She is sleeping.
Kathy Dunlay: I am still shaking a bit myself. I wish we could have gone back for Elvis.
Rich Corona: There is nothing we could have done for him. Once that purple alien slimed him, it was all over. We have seen that before. It is a painful way to go.
Kathy: (in tears) And Elvis had only just re-entered my life. After all these years in which I thought he was dead. And now he is dead on an unknown planet, gazillions of miles from Graceland. Judy, can you give me what you gave Bobbie? I am not feeling well.
Judy: Sure Kathy, come with me honey.
Brian Grimshaw: (Captain, USA Starfleet) Hey, Rich and Leo, come up to the flight deck. You have to see this.
(At the viewing screen on the flight deck). Look at that huge green comet. It appears to be headed toward Earth.
Rich: Whoa, that thing is bigger than Pluto. Brian, you better put on the hyper-drive, we need to get back to Earth and warn Norad, SAC Command, NASA, and The President.
Leo: And besides, Bobbie really wants to make the next round of Dancing with the Stars.

Keck Observatories, Hawaii.
Tom Carnegie: (Shaking head) Your calculations agree with mine Adrienne. Earth is in its path.
Adrienne: I was wishing I had made a mistake. How long until the comet hits Earth?
Tom: Only ten days. I had better notify NASA, they will alert the other appropriate agencies and The President. And remember no leaking this information. Only the President makes the decision to take this public.
Adrienne: Dang, I sure wish the comet that is going to destroy life as we know it wasn't named Poirier.

{To be continued}