Volume 22: The Further Saga of Alemany '66:
As revealed by The Shadow
with minor assistance from F.J. Bonaccorso


A Special Dedication from
Diane Muscolo Bergstrom
To the
Alemany '66ers
“To all the friendships renewed since the Alemany reunion. Some of us go back as far as "grammar school" and although we don't want to admit how many years ago, it is great that we can pick up and continue those friendships with such ease.”

Subtitle: The Great Ceratothere-Tipping Incident

Springfield, Oregon, past midnight in a pasture.
Frank Bonaccorso: And remember, once we leave here, no talking. When I shine the light, you four go for it.
Bob Ryan: Are you sure this really works, Frank?
Dave Gieg: Have, a little trust, Bob. Just execute this like it was a football play.
Bob: Ok, once a quarterback, always a bossy quarterback.
Rich Borquez: Stuff it, Bob. Let's do this.
Jim Jacobs: This is going to be fun, but how come you don't charge with us, Frank?
Frank: Someone has to hold the light on the eyes in order to freeze the critter. Remember you typically only have three seconds before the animal moves.

The four men slowly stalk their quarry before the Frank stops. A 3 million candlepower spotlight is shined on the head of a rather large cow. Mooooo! Four big men sprint toward the cow and hit the left flanks of the cow with arms held as if blocking a pass rush. A rather surprised 1250-pound cow tips over onto its side.

Frank: Perfectly executed cow-tip, just like we diagramed it. Congratulations on your first cow tip, gentlemen.
Bob: That was a rush. I have to say, that I thought you guys were setting me up for something like a snipe hunt. But this was awesome.
Dave: Just like hitting the tackling dummies. And you say this is a traditional drill the Florida Gator football does to build team confidence. Yeah, I can see it would build team cohesion.
Frank: It's the biggest training success in Gainesville, since Dr. Tom Cade formulated Gatorade for the team. But we are going for a unique world record in its own right.
Rich: And you say this is really the rage in Africa, and that we can get the Guinness Book record for weight when we tip that ceratotherium critter?
Frank: Yep.
Jim: Say, what exactly is a ceratotherium?
Bob: Ah, don’t show your ignorance, Jim. Frank already explained it is just a big cow-like horned critter and the biggest ones live in Africa. Bring on Africa, we are ready! How about beer and pizza at my house?
Frank: Not so fast, guys. Let's practice one more. Now where was that big black bull we saw earlier, Bob?
Rich: Ah man, the only bull I want tonight is some Red Bull!

Gallería Cívica D’Arte Moderna E Contemporánea, Torino, Italia

Eugene Rapposelli: Aha! Mottola, forceps, please. And glassine envelopes. Thank you. Scchief Inspectore picks up hairs with forceps while crawling on hands and knees and deposits them in wax envelopes. Then he gathers more hair and places them in a second envelope.
Diane Mottola: I will get these to forensics right away, Scchief.
Eugene. Merci. And ask the lab for express service on the DNA. Is my duck l'orange lunch here yet?

Streetside Café near the GAM, Torino
Chris Carney: This is the best cappuccino I have ever had. And the croissants are heavenly.
Christi Brecht: Act normal! Don't look behind you.
Chris: I am acting normal. Why shouldn't I look behind me?
Christi: A woman just took our photo. And I have seen that face before. In fact, I am sure I saw that face in Paris and again in Firenze.
Chris: Diane asked me if I had seen anybody following us. But I said, "No".
Christi: Oh my goodness.
Chris: What? Can I look now?
Christi: Whatever you do, do not turn around. There are two of them, twins I would say. They are leaving. (Christi Drops money on the table). We have to follow them.
Chris: Do you think this is a good idea? Shouldn't we call Diane or Eugene?

Christi: (running in heels) There is no time. We can't lose them.
Six blocks and two turns later......
Chris: Oh, look; they are going into an Internet café. Should we go in?
Christi: No. You stay here and watch the front door. I am going to see if there is a back exit. If they leave, follow them and call me on my cell.

Zack Johnson Defrocked from Masters Title
Augusta, Georgia, 24 April 2007
Shadow Press, Frank Del Olmo Reporting.
And the Winner is.....

The true winner of the 2007 PGA Masters was allowed to put on the green coat at the Augusta National Country Club this morning. Much to the embarrassment of PGA officials it was announced that Ken Meddock was the actual winner of the 2007 Masters. Zach Johnson had been award the green coat at the conclusion of the tournament with what was believed to be a low score of 289, a supposed 2-stroke victory over Tiger Woods. However, in fact Meddock had shot a 288. His card was scored correctly and he signed off on the card, handed it to officials and left the area, not realizing he had shot the low score! A near-sighted head official looked at the card and mistakenly wrote 298 on the leader board while Meddock was having a beer in the clubhouse feeling happy about just competing in the prestigious tournament. Justice was finally served when reexamination of the scores revealed the notation error by officials.

Although, Phil Mickelson, the 2006 wearer of the green jacket could not be on hand for ceremonies due to prior commitments, Tiger Woods, the 2005 winner, upheld tradition and helped Meddock into the most revered garment in the sport. Meddock will celebrate his victory with a trip to Disneyland on Friday.

Tiger and Ken looking good in green.

Starry, starry night with a wee sliver of moon at the Hluhluwe-Umfalozi Game Reserve, South Africa
Frank: Our guide has found a ceratothere. Follow me, no lights.
Park Ranger Villsoni Dinda: Big one! 100 meters in that direction.
Dave: Ok, this is why we have been practicing. Once get in place, we go on hut three, let’s go.
Jim: (Whispers to no one.) He still thinks this is a football game!

20 meters from the Ceratothere
Frank: Everybody in position?
Rick: We are as ready as we will ever be.
Bob: Are you sure that is a ceratothere? Looks an awful lot like a.....
Frank: (Interrupting.) I promise you that is our ceratothere Guinness Book record.
I'm hitting the light in 3 seconds. (Spotlight hits the head of the 2,500 lb ceratotherium. Hut 3 is cried out! Four jocks explode into a run. The light freezes the animal. And there is a terrific impact: Kerplunk! And the huge hulking beast falls over on its side, into a pool of water where it was drinking. Kerplop! Splash!

Ceratotherium drinking just before the tipping.

Gieg starts a celebratory dance. Ryan hoots, Jacobs hollers, Borquez jumps with arms above head onto Gieg.
Frank: Hey, guys get out of there, the rhino is getting up!
Bob: Did he say, "rhino"?
Frank: Run! I thought you guys knew that Ceratotherium is the Latin name for the white rhino. (They take off running in four different directions and the rhino takes after Gieg)

15 Minutes Later
Vilsonni and Frank are scanning lights through the acacia thicket followed by Rick, Jim, and Bob. Finally they spot Gieg high in a tree.
Frank: You can come down now, Dave. The rhino is gone. I got three great flash photos of the tipping. We will send them to the Guinness office tomorrow.
Jim: Hey, Dave, how did that ceratothere rip your pants?
Dave: (walking with the swagger of a successful rhino-tipper). That’s where the ceratothere hooked me and tossed me into that tree. You don't think I climbed that long-thorn acacia, do you?

ABC Nightly News:
Bernard VanVlymen: And now the news.
The Italian Carabinieri released photos of the alleged Las Panteras Rosas this evening. The two women in the series of photos holding stolen artworks that included the Mona Lisa, Nightwatch, and Michelangelo’s David were identified as Americans from California, Christi Brecht Moore and Chris Carney Stoddard. On the scene in Torino, Italy, is our roving reporter, Ann Buchanan Gaines. Tell us what you know, Ann.
Ann: This is hard for me to report, Bernie. We both knew Chris and Christi in high school, and while they had considerable mischievous reputations, particularly for a series of antics at the Santa Monica Pier in the '60s, well this is beyond belief. But the photos are incriminating. I have here, Scchief Inspectore Rapposelli.
Eugene: Buona cera, Bernie.
Bernie: Hi, Eugene. Looks like Italian food has agreed with you. Is it true that you had the two suspects in custody in Firenze and then released them yesterday?
Eugene: Yes, that is correct. But I was not fooled by their lies and deceit. It was my ploy to have them released and thinking that another theft in Torino had occurred while they were in custody. They believed they had an airtight alibi. I knew that eventually their craven hearts would lead them back to another thievery. However, some anonymous source had captured them in a series of rather good photos holding previous stolen art and gloating with these priceless objects in their hotel room and on that basis I know have warrants for their arrest.
Bernie: Do you have the suspects back in custody?
Eugene: Not at this time, Bernie. We have all borders of Italy sealed and we have every resource at command of law enforcement searching for these dangerous criminals. I guarantee arrests with be forthcoming very soon.
Bernie: There is a tall woman waving at you in the background Eugene. Who is that?
Eugene: (glances over his should). Oh, that is only Sub-Inspectore Mottola, my assistant. She probably has forensic evidence that will lock the case on the Brecht-Moore-Carney-Stoddard gang, aka Las Panteras Rosas.
Ann: Thank you, Scchief Inspectore. We congratulate you on leaving no stone unturned in solving this crime of the century. Back to you, Bernie.
Bernie: In Durbin, South Africa, a press conference held earlier today confirmed that a five-person team of Americans set the world record for cow tipping. We will be back with that news right after we hear from our sponsors at Little Doni Jelly Bean Works.


Cut to Commercial:
Doni Swenson: Hi, I'm Little Doni. We have a new line of Little Doni jellybeans that we brought out for Easter that are selling up a storm. Our new bean flavors include avocado, macadamia, mustard greens, black olive, passion fruit, pistachio, and Bernie VanVlymen’s personal favorite, tart rhubarb. This week only we have a half price offer on 50-pound bags of our new Easter fruit and nut flavor jellies. Get your order in now, we have operators waiting toll free at 1-999 664 BEAN. And for the first 100 orders we will include a free gallon jar of Marty Molidor's new Garlic Jelly Bean infusion of Super-Duper Sock-it-to-em Sockerooni Sauce. I have supplied jellybeans to every US President since Ronald Reagan and I want to put jellybeans all over your house.

Bernie: (chewing a jelly bean) Thank (mmmmm) you (yum), Doni. And keep sending those samples to the station.
(He turns left profile to camera two) In Durban, South Africa, an American team consisting of former Dallas Cowboys, Dave Gieg and Rich Borquez, set a record in cow-tipping, the sport in which any quadruped land animal must be knocked to the ground by a wall of ramming humans. The team included noted naturalist and ceratherium expert, Dr. Frank Bonaccorso, as spotlighter, and tippers, Robert Ryan and James Jacobs. The American team was certified as World Record holder at 2507 pounds tipped by Guinness Chief of Records, Joan Bialon Busby.
We have Joan Bialon standing by with our African Bureau Chief, Sue Troy Lisbon. Can you hear me Sue?
Sue: Hi Bernie. I have Joanie here with me. Joanie, what kind of animal did the boys tip?
Joan: It was a Ceratotherium simum, or White Rhinoceros. We darted it this morning and it weighed in at 2,507 pounds surpassing the old hippo record of 2,412 pounds tipped by four Crespi High School alums.
Sue: That must be dangerous, rhino-tipping. Did all the boys get away free of injury.
Joan: All but Dave Gieg were unscathed, Sue. Dave had 7 stitches to close a wound to his, uh, err, uh, well he had 7 stitches, but he is fine.
Sue: Thanks, Joanie. What else can we expect in the international sport of cow tipping?
Joan: This is not generally known, but multiple sources tell me that a team will soon attempt the woman’s division cow-tipping record right here in South Africa very soon. The team is led by WPRA star Kathryn Martin Rahmn.


Sue: That is the Women's Professional Rodeo Association. Who else is on that team?
Joan: Well, the team also includes Olympics gold medal volleyball great, Judy Pfeifer Knapp. Professional bowling legend, Suellen Keller Hunter, the only woman to have ever bowled back to back to back 300 games is on the team. Also participating will be professional wind surfer, Therese Icardo Yurosek, and the final team member is former Alaska pipeline welder and now wine expert, noted for more appearances on the Richard Carvotta Show than anyone one in its history, Margaret "Peggy" Jones.
Sue: And what kind of animal will they attempt to tip?
Joan: This is a closely guarded secret. We would not want other teams to have that information in the secretive world of cow tipping.
Sue: So you might say the world of cow tipping is dog-eat-dog! Back to you Bernie.
Bernie: Well that is all the time we have tonight. May all your news be good news. This is Bernard VanVlymen from New York City.

Announcement:

There was no winner for the Trivia Contest from Volume 21 – no one submitted a complete correct answer. The answers are:

Part 1: Jackie Robinson (while playing basketball at UCLA)

and Part 2: Alan Shows (back row), Pat Maryon, Frank DePasquale, and Lynn Carter