ALEMANY SUCCESS STORIES: PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR
by
THE SHADOW
as revealed to
The Batman Frank Bonaccorso
12/30/06
Post-Reunion Alemany News from Small and Not-so-small Town Newspapers and
Media Sources as Gathered by The Shadow:
Fact, Fiction, or Rumor, You Decide

Ventura , CA : Ventura County Commissioner Dantona offered VP spot on Hilary Clinton Ticket

Palm Springs , CA : Jay Pelzer named captain of US Ryder Cup Golf Team

Freeland , WA : Dr. Barb Promises Quick Intervention in Donald Trump-Rosie O'Donnell Feud

Palmdale, CA: Dan McMahon leaves Nuns for Fun to become Co-host of Tonight Show with Ed McMahon as Host: Dan says when he saw Ed McMahon at his door he thought he had won Publisher's Sweepstakes. Ed said, "No, the winner is someone named Oscar Rivera, Jr., but that is beside the point, I'm here to beg you to be my co-host on the Tonight Show".

Volcano National Park, Hawaii : New Guinness Book of Records Feat: Frank Bonaccorso breaks record for continuous performance of The Freddy. Bonaccorso had to finish his feat with feet in Warachi Sandals after wearing holes in his Wingtips, Hush Puppies, and Buster Brown Saddle Shoes over 18 days and nights. Park Superintendent declares she is happy this is finally over; the constant blaring of The Freddy over loudspeakers had set back the breeding cycle of the endangered Nene Geese in the park.

San Pedro Harbor , CA: Claudia Haugh Stepan and Monique Lussier Padberg sign contract for Alemany Grads Dream Cruise. Claudia and Monique found an unbeatable price on a ship of Latvian registry for a 3 day San Pedro to Cabo Blanco cruise. Monique noted the new name of the ship was being painted in Cyrillic Alphabet over the old name (remaining letters of old name TITAN____). Once Claudia purchases a Latvian-English dictionary she promises to let us know the new name of the ship. Send deposits to Claudia to hold a place on this cruise of a lifetime. The first 10 Alemany girls to send in deposits get to sit at the Captain's Table with Bob Johnson .

Pebble Hills Golf Course: Pelzer names Tiger Woods and Ron West to Ryder Cup Team, More Spots for Team Still Open.

Somewhere Deep in the Heart of Texas: Ken Matwiczak Named Head Coach of Dallas Cowboys after Parcels Fired: Owner Jerry Jones when asked about the hiring of a relative unknown with no coaching experience says, "It's the Black Hat man, with that Stetson hat he is the only one that can intimidate TO into performing".

Dantona Declines VP spot on Clinton Ticket saying something bigger is about to happen.

Visalia , CA : Cowboys New Coach Signs New Quarterback. The Dallas Cowboys tendered a two year guaranteed contract to Dave Gieg to lead the Cowboys to the Superbowl. When asked if he could learn the playbook by Sunday, Gieg said, not to worry about the playbook, Coach Matwiczak said just throw it up every play in the vicinity of TO. As part of the contract Gieg demanded that Ralph Ahn be named offensive coordinator and Michael King be special teams coach. Both were appointed.

Memphis, Tenn : Bobbie Mosher Noreen named Official Greeter and Social Director at Graceland and promises live appearances by Elvis.

Hollywood: McMahon and McMahon announce guest appearance by the Tap Dancing Mertens Twins on debut night of the new Tonight Show. D. McMahon sold E. McMahon on the dancing twins as the best entertainment act since Liberace retired

Bonneville Salt Flats , Utah . Johnson Sets World Record Time and Wins at Bonneville. Retired Air Force officer Robert Johnson set a new world record in the Soap Box Derby at the Salt Flats on New Year's Eve. Johnson was quoted as saying the other drivers could not handle the slope of this difficult course.

Stockholm , Sweden : Rex Olliff crowned King of Sweden. After the former king Carl XVI Gustaf abdicated, the Swedes were adamant that they have a king with a name they could pronounce. The Swedish Exchequer said, Olliff is pronounced similar to Olaf and we can say that easily. Hereditary records and DNA tests showed Olliff to be in the royal line.

Stockholm , Sweden : Noble Prize for Medicine was accepted by Dr. Alan Shows. Dr. Shows came out of retirement to make the first artificial heart transplant in a ruby-throated hummingbird. Newly crowned King Rex attended the ceremony and claimed there was no Alemany bias here. Dr. Shows did what no man has ever attempted before.

Santa Rosa , CA : Martin Molidor markets new tomato sauce on Martha Stewart Show under label Super-duper Sock-it-too-em Sockerooni Sauce. Already stock in Paul Newman's sauces has hit new lows from anticipated competition. Asked about his new formula, Molidor would not reveal ingredients but did say it's mostly stuff he found in discarded tin cans left around by his homeless companions in Santa Rosa.

Chicago , IL : A smiling Jim Dantona was introduced by the President of the Chicago Cubs as the new hitting instructor for the Chicago Cubs.

Dubuque , Iowa : Hilary Clinton on the campaign trail is still adamant to have an Alemany High School graduate fill a key government post on her team. She is believed to offer posting as US Ambassador to Vatican to Father Kerry Beaulieu in trade for an Alemany endorsement. Clinton admitted that Beaulieu does not get on well with the Pope, but I need the power behind the (in)famous Alemany Pac Political Machine. She left the press conference muttering, "I'll get even with Dantona."

Somewhere in the Mojave Desert, CA: While driving to Vegas, Jay Pelzer makes contact by cell phone with lost Alemany Golf Team member, Robert (Bob) Lendzion, and receives verbal commitment from Bob to accept final spot on US Ryder Cup Team for 2007. Pelzer believes that Lendzion will be a steady influence on Tiger Woods and can help Tiger with his erratic putting.

Atop Mt. Pinos, CA: History buff Ken Meddock claims to have found Noah's Ark on Mt. Pinos but confirmation pending carbon dating of plastic planking from keel according to Meddock. Meddock went on to state that this important discovery helps to take some of the sting away from Jay Pelzer leaving him off the US Ryder Cup Team.

Dallas , Texas : Gieg throws for 826 yards as Cowboys beat Bears 88-10 in final regular season game. Gieg said he just followed Coach Matwiczak's game plan and threw it up there in the vicinity of TO. Asked by the press, if he had any pre-game rituals, Gieg, expounded on the benefits of a fried chicken pre-game meal smothered in Molidor's Super-duper Sock-it-too-em Sockerooni Sauce.

UCLA Medical Center , Westwood , CA : Dr. Barb hospitalized after wrestled to ground by Rosie O'Donnell. Injuries to Dr. Barb believed minor abrasions, contusions, and a hangnail, however, Trump got in the way of Dr. Barb's left hook intended for O'Donnell and is in critical condition. Dr. Alan Shows was consulted about Trump's condition, but was quoted as saying, "What can I do for him, he has no heart. Really, only Dr. Barb can help him".

Bora Bora : Mick Jagger honeymoons with Peggy Jones on this tropical island. The happy couple had eloped to a Las Vegas ceremony and then took the rock singers private jet to the South Pacific. Jones admitted that after 40 years of Jagger stalking her and raving about her great legs that she finally gave in and found true love. The couple was believed to have first met at a concert performed by Jagger in 1965 in Los Angeles .

Playboy Mansion : Cha Cha Faitel reveals tryst with Hugh Heffner as true reason for missing Alemany Reunion.

NASA Headquarters, Houston: Neil Armstrong admits being Second on Moon Walk. In a press release to Reuters, Armstrong confesses that just after saying his famous words upon stepping on the lunar surface he saw a piece of rock graffiti reading, "Pelzer was here, 1963". Armstrong also found a Titleist 3 golf ball left by the base of the rock, a brand known to be Pelzer's favorite ball, so it looks like the Jayster scooped Alan Shepard too.

From the Research Department: Thirty-five years have passed since our most famous amateur golfer astronaut, Alan B. Shepard, Jr., described the exaggerated distance of his moon shot (in 1971) as "miles and miles and miles." Those famous words followed a one-handed golf swing with a rigged up six iron on the moon. The first swing was reported to be a duff, but the next connected.
Although Shepard fired off those two golf balls in moon gravity which is about one-sixth of earth's, they did not go miles and miles and miles. Shepard later appended his estimate to drive distances in the 200 to 400 yard range. Still, not bad with one hand and encumbered by a suit that prevented a good pivot on the swing.

Jay, how far did your Titleist 3 go on the moon? Be truthful now.


CBS Offices, Manhattan Island : Rupert, of Rupert's Deli, had leaked word, that to counter the new hosts on NBC's Tonight Show, CBS has named Rich Carvotta as the new host of the former Letterman Show. CBS executives confirmed the rumor, stating that Carvotta has long been known to have much funnier Top 10 Lists than Letterman, and is much better with live animals than Letterman for the Stupid Pet Tricks.

Duluth , Minn : David Surges Wins Iditarod! After 20 years of secret training with a team of nine dogs, Surges made his debut in the Greatest Race on Snow as a run-away winner. Asks if he intends to defend his title next year, Surges said, "Nope, I'm going to retire undefeated and spend all my winter days ice fishing from now on".

Hollywood , CA . Bob Orlando has been chosen as the next Batman for the new Spielberg directed, George Lucas produced, blockbuster movie, The Dark Side of Batman. Spielberg insisted that Orlando play the part of the superhero, stating he saw him in South Pacific at Alemany in the 60's and that his talent has been underutilized. Orlando immediately sent Frank Bonaccorso a text message requesting assistance in coaching him how to move like a bat and how to wear a cape. Bonaccorso invited Orlando to study methods acting with him in Papua New Guinea where he can observe bats first hand. Bonaccorso also recommended Tom Stratton and Ron West to manufacture the new batman tool kit belt stating that, "Those guys have a genius at invention not seen since DaVinci." Bonaccorso asked Orlando who would play the part of Cat Woman in the new film and Orlando said he "did not care as long as it was an Alemany woman!"

Send Diane Muscolo Bergstrom a get well card, she is recovering from ankle surgery. As Diane was being wheeled out of surgery, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was being wheeled in for repairs after his skiing accident. At the site of the crying governor, Diane had the medical staff stop both gurneys, leaned over and gave Arnie a slap to the face and told him, "This is no way for my Governor to behave. Now buck-up or it's Hasta La Vista, Baby!" Obviously, this intervention (which is more than we can say for Dr. Barb's efforts) worked as the Governor is reported to be recovering in Sacramento .

Buckingham Palace , London , UK : Queen Elizabeth II delivered the oath as John Preble and Guy Proto became British citizens. Preble and Proto were rushed to citizenship as the British scrambled for new blood to lead their Ryder Cup hopes against the formidable US golf team. Preble and Proto both claimed they could beat the Americans Pelzer and Wes t and noted they were relieved that Meddock was left off the team. "Meddock is the only one we fear from the Americans", declared Proto with his new Cockney accent. When asked about Tiger Woods, Preble pointed out that, "No worry there mate. Pelzer has screwed up Tiger's putting something awful." King Rex of Sweden declared he is betting on the British now that the dynamic duo has joined the team, "Besides", declared the King, "it's all about European solidarity and those two chaps the Brits have are Alemany grads."

Douglas , Alaska : Ann Turner Olson captures giant squid while fishing for king crabs. Turner Olson is the first non-Japanese speaking person to ever see a live giant squid. Reports from Alaska claim Turner Olson is keeping the squid alive on a diet of crab meat in her bathtub. Rich Carvotta has invited the squid named Cecil and Turner Olson to perform a Stupid Pet Trick on the Dick Carvotta Show. Turner Olson agreed provide that Cecil not be labeled a Stupid Pet, "He really is the most intelligent invertebrate I have ever met," claimed the Alaska fishing legend.

Hollywood , CA . Spielberg announced the writing team for the his new batman movie would be award winning writers Terry Boyle Southwick and Charmaine Haley Coimbra.

Hollywood , CA : It seems there is a bidding war for the trumpet of Al Ponchie Covarrubias. Ponchie has had offers to lead the bands from both CBS for the new Dick Carvotta Show and from NBC's Tonight Show with the McMahon boys. Ponchie's agent John Folse is listening to offers from both networks.

Taco Bell Headquarters: Taco Bell announced today the source of recent food poisonings at their restaurants has been definitively traced to the new Martin Molidor Super-duper Sock-it-too-em Sockerooni Sauce used in Taco Bell burritos. Martin Molidor could not be contacted for comments. Paul Newman's stock is skyrocketing on the N.Y. Stock Exchange.

Lancaster , CA : Will someone please tell Ron and Don Turkal to leave the bus stop. The Lancaster to Alemany bus no longer is running!

Rolling Stone Magazine: Rolling Stone predicts Susan Shannon Weaver will be the next Cat Woman opposite Bob Orlando's Batman! Variety declares, Cat Woman will be Christina Marie Gilmore. Leading man Orlando was heard to say at the Whiskey A Go-Go that, "Sue knows how to purr and she definitely knows how to scratch". While Spielberg claims that "Christina is sexy as the cat's meow and will make everyone forget Michelle Pfeiffer."

Volcano, Hawaii . Someone send a cheerful note to Frank Bonaccorso, the UCLA Cheerleaders dumped him after consuming his wine rack and trashing his home in Volcano Village . Then he learned that Peggy Jones came to Hawaii and did not visit him (of course she already had her heart set on Mick). Maybe Cha Cha can invite him to the Playboy Mansion .

Alemany Class of 1966 Photo Identification Contest: The first person to correctly identify the man in the photo below wins (1) an autographed copy of the greatest science publication since Darwin : Thermal Ecology of Moustached and Ghost-faced Bat (Mormoopidae) in Venezuela; and (2) an original cassette tape of Nuns for Fun.

Hint: This person became famous while we were in High School but his pinnacle of success came after our graduation.



Coming soon if you demand it from the Shadow:

Can Dave Gieg really lead the Cowboys to the Superbowl?

Do all of you know who TO is?
How will the US (Alemany) Ryder team do against the British (Alemany) Ryder Team? Will there be bad blood on the golf links at St. Andrews ?
Can Surges be coaxed out of retirement for the next Iditarod? His dogs are still in their prime!!!!
Will the new batman be a box office smash?

Will Batman fall in love with Cat Woman?
Will the Turkals ever leave the bus stop or is this the making of a new folk song like Charley of the MTA ?

Do both Turkal brothers wear bow ties?
Can Jim Dantona break the Curse of the Goat for the Cubbies?
Is the Peggy and Mick romance for real? Will Peggy go on tour with Mick?
What will Ann teach Cecil for his stupid (uh sorry, intelligent) pet trick?

Will Carvotta crack a smile when he encounters squid breath for the first time?
Can The Rich Carvotta Show compete with McMahon and McMahon on the all new Tonight Show for Nielsen Ratings?
Could Noah have been ahead of his time and had a plastic ark or is Meddock barking up the wrong mountain?
Will the cruise on the SS Titan??? be a success and is Bob Johnson up to being chasing around deck for 3 days by all the Alemany girls. Are there any icebergs between San Pedro and Cabo at this time of year???
Will King Rex lead Sweden back to former glory?
Did anything more happen between Diane and Arnie the Governator?
You saw her in the Alemany DVD! Will new photos of Cha Cha be revealed?
What network will Ponchie sign with and can Folse get him the big contract?
What super special devices will Tom and Ron invent for Batman to use? Are they also inventing for Cat Woman?
How could a sweet young Alemany girl turn into Dr. Barb?
Will Marty Molidor survive the lawsuits sure to come from Taco Bell?
Will Pelzer ever go in space again? Do Armstrong and Shepard hold a grudge against Jay?
Who do you think will get the Cat Woman role? Vote at the email address below.

Some new stories we are working on: Will the swallows return to Father Art at Capistrano on time in an El Nino-Southern Oscillation year and will those birds stay for the opening of the new basilica? I think Frank Diaz is researching this one.
Anything to the rumor that John Gugerty is up for a job with the Lakers?
We have heard about Sister Anselma. Has anyone else located any Alemany classmates since the reunion?

The Shadow has found a previously lost address for retired police officer and judge David Nehen and awaits a return letter before releasing further information.
What member of our class is alleged to have sung at James Brown’s recent wake?


And that's all the news fit to be printed about the Alemany Grads for the moment. If you have any late-breaking fact or fiction info tracking the above news flashes or brand new secrets to reveal about Alemany grads not even mentioned yet send to: The Shadow bonafrank@yahoo.com

Happy New Year. And remember don’t try to hide anything because, “The Shadow Knows.” He knows about your dreams that did and did not come true.